One Thing Leads to Another

One of my favorite blogs,  http://ramblingtaoist.blogspot.com, posted a list of the author's favorite sites and so I checked them out.  One of the suggested sites was http://www.ancientrails.com/, which I was pleased to read.  As I perused the site, I came across a posting of Mary Oliver's Poem Wild Geese, a poem which I hadn't read in awhile, but which really resonates with me.  If you haven't read it (or Mary Oliver's other works), I can highly recommend it and the direct link to the posting on AncienTrails is: Wild Geese.  With the arrival of fall and the migration of the geese, this is an especially good time for me to keep this poem and its message within my heart.  I now have my collection of Mary Oliver's poems (New and Selected Poems, Volume One) by my recliner so that I can dip into it often!  So thank you Rambling Taoist, for not only leading me to some cool websites, but also, via one of those links, to get me back in touch with myself through Mary Oliver's beautiful poetry.  One thing really does just lead to another!

Perfection and Failure

As I was reading through my favorite blog posts on Google reader, I was really struck by one from Tao Wow where the author discusses perfection and failure and then suggests the following meditation: 
I will not always be right, often I will be wrong.
I will not always do things well, often I will mess up.
But it is true that I will not always get things wrong,
and things will work out just right.
When I am truly honest I see that I have no control either way; I could only have done what I'd done, I will only ever do whatever it is I will do, I can only do right now what it is I'm doing.

Want life to be different? It can't be. It is this.

That is why: "You can not change the world, you can only change your attitude towards it."
I thought this was really an important meditation for me to remember.  I tend to have real issues with beating myself up when I don't get things right, and of course, perfectionism only leads to failure as we can never be perfect.  I would add that being perfect would end up being boring even it it were achievable.  So I shall try to remember this meditation and realize its truth, especially the line, I could only have done what I'd done!
 

Non-Attachment

According to today's post on yogamint.com, nature is always reminding us that everything has its season.  Ancient teachings show us that this continuing ebb and flow of life is an opportunity to practice non-attachment, an issue which I have a lot of trouble with, more so when I'm reminded of a loss.  The article goes on to say that instead of saying no to whatever feelings we have, we need to experience the full cycle of feelings which will send us on a journey of growth.  The writer continues, "Only when you give up resistance to what is happening can you be truly unattached from it. Let the tears fly and see how soon tears of joy follow. Cultivate your inner yogi by living honestly with your feelings. You'll experience both the dualistic nature of life and the means to step out of it."

I've gotten "hit over the head" by several of my favorite blogs lately on the issue of non-attachment.  One of the best statements on non-attachment that I've read lately was posted on The Rambling Taoist when the writer says, "Lao Tzu and Chuang Tzu spend a lot of time writing about the danger of attachments. When we become attached to people, ideas, strategies and expectations, we can easily become disillusioned when life doesn't go the way we want it to or thought it would. When we are able to live free of attachments, then we meet each moment as it unfolds before us."  I'm trying to realize that especially in the area of family and personal relationships, I am still very attached to my expectations, my ideas of what my life ought to be like, and my life is so far out of the bell curve, and so many events have conspired through the years to change my life, that I need to let go of the attachments I have to what might have been, what I see in others and their more traditional lives, and instead, meet each moment as it unfolds before me. 

Lots of things are working very well for me, and even on days where my underlying melancholy surfaces and becomes more prominent, I need to stop resisting my feelings, but instead feel them fully and use them in positive ways.  Yesterday, for example, when I just didn't feel very perky and so my melancholy levels rose, I honored my feelings by staying home and immersing myself in my quilting, which served to make me feel much better and today I was therefore able to hand off those three quilts to Vashon Youth and Family Services.

The lesson of non-attachment is not something which is learned once and kept then for life.  Because of our basic natures as humans, this is a lesson which needs to be repeated over and over again, and I am trying to remember that, especially since I am all very new to the concept.  I shall now meet the moments of the remainder of this day without any attachment to any particular results, but just see what evolves as I begin working on the next set of three quilts for VYFS.  Namaste!

Fixing Things--To Do or Not To Do

Well, today I thought, when I got up, that I'd be going off island to Pacific Cataract to get the secondary cataract in my left eye zapped with a laser.  Instead, the doctor called me and explained that since I had no symptoms accompanying the cataract and since my vision in the left eye is now much better than what they predicted, she would recommend waiting.  The cloudiness is there, but it isn't interfering with my daily life, and it would be better to get the right eye taken care of and then wait to see if the crescent glare I'm getting in the left eye occasionally goes away or worsens.  They have no problem working on problems which are causing symptoms, but without symptoms, their policy is to do nothing.  So I now have a free afternoon, and since I'm not feeling terribly perky I plan to spend it quietly at home quilting, rather than going to Study Zone after all.  I've already canceled that, so I'm going to rest instead.

But the phone call with the eye doctor got me thinking about an earlier post of mine inspired by one of the blogs I follow on whether life needs fixing in the first place or whether we actually muddle things up by trying to fix what doesn't need fixing.  I think this is a tough lesson for many of us.  I know it is for me.  If I see something I perceive as wrong or out of sync or whatever, I charge in like a bull in a china shop with various remedies, remedies which may or may not be appropriate, remedies which may or may not do any good and which in fact might make things worse.

And so, I'll take this lesson from my eye to say that just because I know there is cloudiness in a given situation, that doesn't instantly say that it is something in need of fixing.  I am exceedingly grateful for my improved vision, for the miraculous change in my left eye.  I shall look forward to similar improvements in the right eye after that cataract is removed.  And then I shall go forth, knowing that the secondary cataract can be addressed easily if it grows to the point of causing vision issues.  I shall attempt to remember that I don't need to rush in and rescue things which may be functioning just fine as they are.

Vision Returns

Wow!  I can see again and it is wonderful!  My glasses finally came in correctly and now I'm back in business, first time since my left eye cataract surgery and it is amazing.  The left eye is now quite fantastic!!  I am wearing just one pair of glasses--my own trifocals, and I can see clearly everywhere.  And things will only get better (although as with much of life, it may get worse before then) once I get my secondary cataract removed (tomorrow) and my right cataract taken care of (Tuesday Oct. 26th).  I can't wait.  It is amazing how one part of the body so governs all the rest.  Hopefully my headache will go away soon, but just having a clear world is nothing short of miraculous!

Spider in the Shower Poof

Today I shared my shower with a spider in an up close and personal sort of moment.  As I lifted my orange scruffy shower gel poof off its hook and prepared to squeeze my Tea Tree shower gel onto it (one of my favorite flavors, by the way), I noticed something dark and when I carefully worked through the layers of the poof I found a lovely spider!  I set her free, glad that she and I hadn't shared more closely!  I then noticed her web going from the top of one of my L shaped walls to the top of my shower head and then over to the other corner.  This was just another example of how lovely it is to shower outside in nature with various critters to help me start my day.  It was definitely cooler this morning--44 degrees, and I noticed that the shower gel was thicker and slower to move, so fall it here for certain, but after a very, very wet rainy weekend, it is now sunny and beautiful!

Change

Right after I posted my last post I read on one of my regular blogs (http://taowow.blogspot.com) that the way to fix the world is just to be the "peace you wish to see."  The author goes on to say that "

'Seeing the world as imperfect and requiring a fix is precisely the same attitude that lead (sic) others before us to screw the world up. Realize it as perfect and not something that can be shaped by human desire and melt back this very instant to that very perfection you desire in the future.'"  I know that seeing myself as someone who needs to be fixed is neither true nor helpful.  I am just fine, just as I am, in my totality.  I suppose the author of the blog is saying the same may be said of the world, and by being what I wish to see I've done all that is necessary, but there are times when I get so upset with the apparent injustices of the world.  I have a friend who just sent me an e-mail saying that she was heading out to Vashon Highway to do a silent vigil protest armed with a large sign, her drum, and her dog.  She is a political activist and she does a lot of silent protests and I applaud her efforts.  But part of me wonders just how effective any of our "fixings" are and if the blog writer is right that it is all the fixings that in the end mess things up.  If I could really see the world (or even myself) as perfect and not something that can be or needs to be shaped by my human desires I suspect I would have learned a great deal.  And so I'll think on that as I move forward with my day.

Bullying

I've just started a new book, Major Pettigrew's Last Stand by Helen Simonson, and I realized that while I like Major Pettigrew and Mrs. Ali, I cannot stand the other characters for a variety of reasons, but mostly because they are so very self-absorbed and totally lacking in any feelings for anyone other than themselves.  This book, along with the horrible rash of GLBTQ suicides lately has gotten me thinking about bullying, which is way too prevalent in our world.  My therapist explained the development of the human brain to me a bit more last visit as a way of understanding what went so horribly wrong in the case of the Rutger's violinist.  She said, and please excuse any errors in the technical part of this, that as humans, our brains must change from a child's brain to an adult brain and so from the ages of about 16 to 25+ our prefrontal cortex is not anywhere near fully developed, and this area deals with social control as well as the ability to distinguish proper behavior, good vs bad, understand consequences, etc.  So the two students who videoed the violinist lacked even the common sense to say, would I want someone to do this to me.  They will have to live with the consequences of their actions for the rest of their lives, but it doesn't mean they were acting in an evil way.  They simply did not think things through and acted on impulse.  Unfortunately this is way too common in most people, even past the age of 25, so I wonder if there is a significant portion of the population whose prefrontal cortex never develops.  There certainly is in the book I'm reading!


And maybe the school bullying which was behind the remainder of the recent GLBTQ suicides was also a result of the same lack of development, but I'm also inclined to believe that for whatever reason many people think that they have the right to whatever they want and if that requires bullying someone else to get it, well that's fine too.  I have a friend who is being bullied by a jerk who is engaging in illegal business practices, but rather than clean up his act, he simply bullies anyone who stands up for their rights, as my friend is finding out.  And so far, he has won because he has money, power, and physical brutality which he has used successfully to intimidate the righteous and bribe the unrighteous.  One day, I have to believe, he will be caught, but right now he is able to make life unpleasant for an entire neighborhood.


I know I'm naive, and that has gotten me in trouble throughout my life, but I just don't understand why society can't run on kinder principles.  Even the very selfish should be able to figure out that they'd get more from honey than from vinegar as the old saying states.  I also realize that not everyone is like the characters in the book and I do know a good many kind, caring folks who do actually think before they act and when they think they do think about others, and thank heavens for such people.  And I know that we need to live the change we want to see in the world, so the more of us there are acting in caring ways, the more the world will reflect that, but there are days when it does seem to be an impossible task.  But as Aesop said centuries ago, "No act of kindness, no matter how small, ever goes unnoticed."

Morning Routine

I'm searching for just the right morning routine, one which will enable me to get done what needs to be done without making me crazy or forcing me to rush.  All of this requires balance, and as with all balancing, that can be tricky.  Today I'm told (correctly, I hope) that a Century Link repair person will be here to see what's up with my internet connection.  I requested morning, and the person on the phone was unclear just how early that might be--he knew morning meant before noon, but he wasn't sure whether it meant 8AM or 9AM!  So I set my alarm for 5AM as this is Saturday which means that in addition to my usual morning routine of yoga and my own shower, I also had Chauncey's weekly bath to do, which needed to happen before my yoga and my shower.  That meant that Chauncey (and Poosa, who doesn't like being left out of anything although she has no interest in the shower and she had to find shelter since it was lightly raining) and I were outside in the relative dark at 5:45AM getting him bathed!  It actually was much nicer than I anticipated--almost zen like in the peacefulness and stillness of the moment.  Now that I'm feeling better I'm thinking of returning to the 5AM start to the day as I had a very lovely beginning to my day and I was totally ready for the repair person by 8AM with no problems at all.  Of course, the repair person still hasn't arrived, but nevertheless, I've had a wonderful beginning to my day and that is worth a lot!  As with all aspects of life, it is a question of finding the right proportions, the right balance between routine and flexibility.  Most of my life has been so rigidly structured, that now, as I'm finding myself, I'm discovering that I resent being pushed or forced to move or do things in a set order or at a fast pace, even when I've set up the schedule myself to enable me to do what I want.  Old patterns are so easy to trigger.  Therefore, I'm now looking more carefully at what actually works for me (which in itself can be difficult to discern!), and I'm also being as flexible as I can in discovering alternate options.  I'm not sure where my morning routine will settle or in fact if it even will settle into one pattern or if it will vary from day to day.  It will be an adventure to discover my balance in this as in other areas of my life.  Namaste!

Clarissa's Lesson Plan

Clarissa now has 9 dragons enrolled in her school and all is going very nicely indeed.  She's spent a lot of time mulling over lesson plans and trying to figure out just what has gone wrong with education.  Her students are all bright, but they have seen education as a burden, not a joy.  Clarissa is working hard to change that so her students discover how wonderful learning can be, that it is not (or should not be) irksome, boring, or in fact even difficult.  She devises schemes to keep each student engaged and to build their confidence levels so that they realize they can learn even the trickiest subject if they come at it from an angle that makes sense to them.  That angle, of course, is not the same for everyone, which is why Clarissa has tailored her lesson plans to each of her students.  This morning in her shower Clarissa was thrilled to see a soap bubble float up from her scruffy filled with Dewberry shower gel.  As she watched the bubble float beautifully away, shimmering in the early morning daylight, she realized that this would be a fun way to teach some physics, covering topics from viscosity through optics!  And then maybe she'd even move into an art lesson from there!  The day, like the soap bubble, was radiant with possibilities!

What is Meditation?

I've been attempting to do sitting meditation for 8 1/2 weeks now, and in spite of all the encouragement in the lovely book 8 Minute Meditation: Quiet Your Mind. Change Your Life by Victor N. Davich, I've not really managed it terribly successfully.  I've been sitting for 15 minutes/day every morning, following the directions in the book, trying not to be distracted by my pets, and then afterwords trying to cram in a few yoga poses in the limited time I had left.  For awhile I was getting up at 5AM so I could have more time to accomplish all this as well as the household chores, but that didn't allow me enough sleep, so I've had to rethink that.  This morning was especially stressful, and I realized that isn't what meditation is supposed to be.  I mentioned this all to my therapist and she let me know that there are lots of different types of meditation, and that sitting meditation isn't right for everyone.  She reminded me how much I enjoy my yoga, and that when done correctly, yoga is meditation, focusing the mind on my poses and my breathe.  This was very freeing to discover, and so starting tomorrow I shall set my cool pyramid timer for 20 minutes and spend that time doing my yoga, focusing and concentrating on my breathe and my poses.  The pets are not such a distraction then as they have learned (yes, even Poosa) that they can be close as long as they are not on my mat, and I don't notice whether they snort or sneeze or whatever when I'm doing my yoga.  So this is my plan, to be present with my yoga for 20 minutes each morning.  And by the way, thanks to the reader who posted a comment on my post entitled Balance, where s/he mentioned a website with a great video on Eagle Pose (http://www.planetyoga.com/yoga-blogs/free-yoga-video-garudasana-eagle-pose/).  Feel free to check it out and meanwhile, thanks, reader, for the comment.  Have a great day!

Communication

This morning I wrote my monthly letter to my daughter which will wend its way to her via a third party and which, so far, I receive no answers to, and this got me thinking about communication and relationships.  Has communication occurred when it appears to be one-sided?  I then thought about the blogs I read and one entry specifically where the writer commented that the point of writing a blog was not to be heard.  Casey Kochmer in his blog A Personal Tao said yesterday that the reason "to blog: is to hear life...I blog these posts because each entry is a chance for me to listen to life, to hear ideas and chew upon thoughts."  And I realize that he is quite right.  I read a number of blogs because they offer me a chance to chew on thoughts and most of the time I don't reply or post a comment, so the blogger then would have no idea what thoughts his/her post generated.  Does that mean communication didn't occur?  I think not!  And I know from Google's stats that people are reading my blog, but so far no comments have been posted, so I too have no idea what thoughts might have been generated by something I said.  But as with my letter this morning, I get a great deal out of the writing.  It gives me an opportunity to focus my thoughts and I hope to listen to life.  I make connections this way between various levels of my life, various aspects of my life.  Would I like an answer to my letters?  Would I enjoy comments from readers?  Of course, but as Casey said so succinctly, "To be heard is actually an after effect of blogging only...", and no matter how nice (or I suppose not nice) that after effect is, it is still not the reason for blogging, and communication is occurring in any act of writing, I think, whether or not the writer knows of the after effects or whether in some cases, the writer is only communicating with his/herself.

Vision

I've been thinking a lot about vision lately thanks to my cataract surgery.  Life is certainly different when it cannot be seen clearly, but then I thought about more than just the physical concept of vision.  Certainly, my having to use three different pairs of cheap glasses just to get by and still not having anything like clear easy sharp vision is most trying.  However, it is also thankfully temporary.  Once my eye has healed, about 1 month from now, I will have significantly better vision than before.  But what about my outlook on life.  How clear is my vision concerning what's really important?  People frequently say that they have 20/20 hindsight, but how true is that?  I know that even with events I thought I recalled "accurately" that I've discovered over time that not only does my view of them change, but others who participated in the same events usually remember them very differently.  Once again, it is important to remember that my reality is determined by my belief system and as the belief system changes, so does the reality.  At the same time, while I might be able to delude myself about the past, it is obvious that my vision of the future is definitely fuzzy, hazy, cloudy, unclear.  While it definitely makes no sense to drive (as I did briefly yesterday) in a blur, guiding  the car between the yellow and white lines, the truth is that the future path does not have even that clarity.  How should I deal with that?  Well, what I ought to have done with the driving was stay put until my vision allowed for safe driving, and in reality, that is what I need to do with the future as well.  If I can keep my focus on the present moment I will have all the vision I need!  Therefore, I plan to use this time of transitional vision as a reminder to Be Present!