This and That!

Poosa

It has been quite a week!  First, Happy Pride Weekend to all who celebrate!  My rainbow flag has been rehung with a new bracket and it is flying proudly in my driveway.  Anyway, the last couple weeks have been unusually eventful for me.  My sinus surgery went well, according to my surgeon whom I saw yesterday for my first post-op visit, although I'm still stuffy, wishing I could blow my nose, tired and exhausted, etc.  But he found a bone growth which he removed and it proved to be benign and the sinuses have been cleaned out, etc., so hopefully this will all make a big difference to my health.  I still have the splints, but those come out next Friday.  So that's the update there.

Oliver, Daphne, and Poosa

Meanwhile, Oliver is settling into our family beautifully.  He is still very skittish, but he definitely is learning the routine and I've noticed that he is willing to explore more in his new yard and that seems a very positive sign.  His new dog bed arrived yesterday and he absolutely loves it.  A friend on Twitter had told me about For Your Dogs Only and I had previously gotten two nice beds for Chauncey and Poosa which they like a lot, so I had no trouble ordering up one for Oliver.  It is a bagel style bed, and he hops over the edge of it and then burrows down and obviously he finds it safe and comfy.  I suspect that Oliver will turn out to be more curious than the other two once his fears are calmed.  This morning he actually came into the outdoor shower with Chauncey and me while I was bathing Chauncey.  He just wanted to check out what we were up to.  Poosa doesn't come within 50 ft. of the shower when it is running, and Chauncey would also have bolted if his leash hadn't been fastened to a hook.  Without a doubt, Oliver is happiest when he is close to me.  As I type this he is at my feet sleeping happily and wherever I go, there he goes also.  Poosa does the same so I'm always accompanied everywhere.  Chauncey waits a bit to see if I am going to return soon as he is definitely getting slower and he has to have reasonable motivation before he stands up and shifts location.  

Poosa, Oliver, and Chauncey at Breakfast

On other fronts, Eric ran another 100 mile race last weekend and it was fun for me that he was running it near where one of my blogging friends lives so she could update me on weather, etc.  I think he did really well, coming in 60th/115 finishers in 29 hrs., 51 min. 46 sec.  And then he posted a photo of his new gorgeous green Brooks running shoes which he'd worn the weekend before when he visited me.  The shoes were totally unrecognizable after the 100 mile trail run!  Today Kelly, his wife, is running in the Seattle Rock and Roll Marathon and I hope she will also do very well.  Personally, I get tired just thinking about that much activity, but they love it.  And Pamela has texted me several times and I'm learning about the life of a conductor.  It is wonderful to hear from her and I am now trying to be much less cell phone challenged, sometimes with more success than others!

Oliver and Daphne

This has made me think how our communication has changed over my lifetime and especially how it has changed in the last few years!  I do, as I've mentioned before, like the internet and they forms of communication and interaction that are available there.  They suit me for a variety of reasons.  I love how with both Twitter and Texting you can be right in the moment, sharing feelings, capturing instantly what is happening.  It is quite lovely!  And I'm definitely connecting with people, making new friends, etc.  It is lovely, and I now have friends all around the globe which is a first for me.  But of course, the best part by far for me is hearing from Eric and Pamela and learning what their lives are like and what they are doing etc.

Oliver in His New Bed

Oliver Loves His New Bed!

Ok, back to the last week or two.  We had another power outage last night, the second in a week and I have no idea why as there were not storms, winds, etc.  I was in bed reading when the power went out last night, and Oliver was definitely not pleased!  The generator is right outside my bedroom window so when the power goes out, 18 sec. later the generator kicks in and then the panel in the laundry area makes a loud cracking noise, as most of the power kicks over.  I had to get up and close my bedroom window and eventually Oliver decided nothing horrible was going to happen so he returned to his new bed.  But I'm with Oliver--the generator is loud and sleeping was difficult.  Three hours later the power returned and that is a much quieter process.  The panel box does no loud cracking and the generator merely turns off.    And there was no loss of power for 18 seconds.  I haven't found out why we lost power last night.  Last weekend we had a similar outage (when my vet was here to check on Oliver) and that time I called the utilities to find out it was a downed tree.  Again, no storm and no wind! But last night I did not have enough curiosity to get out of bed, find the phone book, and work my way through the cumbersome menu to find out the reason for the outage.  Anyway, I can't wait for my power backup for my computer to arrive as I don't like the way the power outage takes the computer down!  My electrician has had me order a protector box with limited battery power so that the computer will never realize that 18 sec. went by before the generator kicked in.  In any case, we normally don't have power outages at this time of the year, but it has certainly tested my new system and it is working perfectly so that is comforting even if Oliver doesn't like the noise!

Butterfly Feeding

I've been enjoying all the activity in my yard.  I cannot believe how many hummingbirds, crows, juncos, black-capped chickadees, and butterflies I have!  I have planted more flowers, but even so, I suspect they were always here, but I just wasn't in a place to notice them.  My haiku writing has trained me well to stay in the moment and observe what is going on around me.  This morning in my shower I had fun watching a couple slugs.  At first I thought there was just one and it was really a swift mover, but then I realized that there were actually two.  It was lovely to watch them waving antennae and exploring their world.  Then I was amused by three crows around my backyard pond who obviously were enjoying the day.  Soon a fourth swooped in to join them, as a butterfly drank from the flowers surrounding the pond.  It was really very lovely.  The dogs and I then went out to pick strawberries.  I love this time of year because I can get a handful or more of fresh strawberries each morning from my strawberry patch.  Last year they produced all the way through until nearly November!  Anyway, it was lovely picking the strawberries while watching the dogs capering around the  front yard.  These are precious moments and I'm glad I've gotten to the point where I can notice and enjoy them.


So that's the update from Vashon!  Our island is perking along well overall and we also are doing fine.  I hope everything is lovely for you wherever you are.

Oliver, Entitlement, Family!

Eric, Kelly, and Josie

What a week or two it has been!  Last Sunday I had a wonderful visit from Eric, Kelly, and Josie and I was so very grateful that they were able to fit that into their busy schedule since this week was big for both Eric and me.  I had sinus surgery on Wednesday, which I am still trying to recover from, and Eric ran the Bighorn 100 mile trail endurance run Friday and Saturday, finishing 60th out of 115 finishers, with a time of 29 hours 51 minutes 46 seconds, and I would imagine he is going to be recovering from that over the next few days/weeks!  Congratulations Eric!

Eric, Poosa, Kelly, and Josie

And then I heard from my daughter, Pamela, first time in 14 years, and we are now texting!  I'm having to learn how to text and also how to keep my phone charged and how to discover when I have text messages other than tweets, but I am learning and there couldn't be a better incentive!  Reconnecting with Pamela has definitely brought me a joy beyond all belief!

Oliver and Poosa

And if that weren't enough for the week, I got a chance to adopt another dog, a beautiful 5 yr. old black and white cocker named Oliver!  Our main vet, Dr. Nell, had told me about him when she was here a little over a week ago taking blood from Sasha, and I fell in love with him just from his photo and his life story.  He is the same coloring as Poosa and they are about the same age as well.  I got a call from the foster lady on Wednesday as I was at the Polyclinic filling out my admitting forms for my surgery!  I explained my situation, but said yes, I wanted Oliver for sure, and by Friday afternoon I felt up to meeting him.  He is wonderful and he is now a full-fledged member of our family!  I've ordered up his dog bed, tag, collar, and leash so he will have the same as Poosa and Chauncey, but in purple (Chauncey is blue and Poosa, pink).  Yesterday, when I noticed his eyes were rather goopy I had Dr. Alan come out for a "farm visit" to check Oliver over, and Oliver is now also on eye drops (he was on lip meds since he has only 12 teeth and so does drool and his lips then need daily attention), and he got the last of his injections (rabies and lepto, although the lepto will need a booster in 3-4 weeks), so Oliver is definitely ours!  I even rearranged the living room so I now have one of the couches right next to my chair so Oliver can be petted (and so of course can Poosa and Chauncey) when I'm sitting there.  Otherwise, he likes to be at my feet when I'm at my desk or else right next to my bed on my yoga cushion which we are using as a dog bed till his arrives.

Oliver

I'm not sure what trauma Oliver went through before he came to me.  His teeth were so bad that Dr. Nell had to remove most of them (he now has only 12 teeth, out of the 42 most dogs have).  There was mention from the foster mom about Oliver living with toddlers who were allowed to terrorize him, but I think there must have been much more to his early life, as he is not only very shy, another scared little rabbit in our family, but he doesn't feel entitled to anything!

Poosa and Oliver

Oliver's arrival got me thinking about issues of entitlement and worthiness, issues which I also have.  All of my companions are rescued animals and each has his/her own story.  Sasha was rescued by Eric from the Seattle Humane Society 13 years ago when she was 2, and she was so sick we didn't know if she would survive.  But she has, beautifully, and she is even working hard at beating aggressive oral cancer.  She has learned, especially through this last illness, to get what she needs to survive and I'm very proud of her.  Thackeray lost his mother at birth, but was bottle fed until I adopted him at the tender age of 8 weeks.  He is now 12 years old and trust me, Thackeray has absolutely no issues of entitlement!  He has ruled his world from the get-go even with the early loss of his mother.  Laoise (a Celtic name Eric gave her, which is pronounced Leesha) is a very shy cat and usually stays hidden when anyone else comes into the house, but there is absolutely no question about her feeling entitled where the other cats and even dogs are concerned!  She is always first to the food bowl, and she loves to be petted and fussed over.  Those are my cats.


Then for the dogs, we have Chauncey who was a rescued dog found at the side of the road when he was about 1 year old, but he lived on a farm in Eastern Washington for another four years and then his family went through a divorce, and I was fortunate enough to be able to adopt him.  He fit in right away and has ruled the doggie world in my home now for 8 years.  He also knows he is entitled to care and he definitely sees to it that his needs are met.  Poosa lived her first 5 years at a breeders and then I adopted her last year.  From the beginning it was clear that while she was a timid soul, jumping at loud noises (she still runs every time my steamer turns off!), and while she'd never known a dog bed or a dog toy, she certainly had not been mistreated as she also is excellent at feeling entitled and getting her needs met--just ask anyone who comes over as Poosa makes sure she gets lots of extra loving.  

Oliver

And that brings me now to Oliver.  He is shy and easily startled by any noise, even soft ones.  But beyond that, he disappears or hides as a way to stay invisible.  I certainly understand that behavior--I too have followed that path.  If no one sees us, then we can't be hurt, etc.  But we also cannot get our basic needs met.  I am learning, as I heal, to develop feelings of worthiness and entitlement which I never had growning up.  It is difficult and undoing the past programming is very hard, especially when something triggers a reaction from the past.  But I am showing up more, staying present, learning not to abandon myself under any perceived threats (well sometimes anyway--this is still very hard for me).  And I think it is the same for Oliver!  But already we've seen a change.  He has, for instance, just come out of my bedroom and sat himself down at my feet under my desk so he is with us.  I had to keep the 1/2 bath door shut for the first couple days until Oliver found his new safe spot next to my bed as he wanted to hide in the corner behind the toilet, but now the door is open and Oliver is staying out with us.  Yesterday he slept most of the afternoon and evening on the couch right next to me and I gave him lots of love.  The last two mornings he has followed Poosa around the yard while I was showering and the two are so cute together.


I know that we are a good fit, Oliver and I, and that we can help each other to heal.  And I know that the other two dogs as well as the cats will help us as well.  Our family has grown and another injured soul has been rescued!  We now consist of one human, three dogs, and three cats, 4 female, 3 male (hey, we females have to keep the upper hand!).  This is a perfect time for Oliver to settle in as my calendar was already cleared off because of my surgery and my schedule is much quieter in the summer anyway, so Oliver will get settled in nicely now and never again will he be hurt or mistreated.  He can learn that he is definitely worthy of having his needs met, he is entitled to all the love and care we can show him and he will give that love back doubled in spades!  Welcome, Oliver, to our family! 

Communication, Connections, Friendship, Kindred Spirits

What is friendship?  How do we get to know each other?  How do we "show up" as my therapist says, in the world and make connections?  I know I've written about this in some ways previously, but an e-mail today from a friend got me thinking about it again.  She made some really important points that writing on a blog is in many ways impersonal and distancing and that she doesn't feel special when I write for the internet and that the real me doesn't show through.

I'm really not sure about that.  I certainly write with every intention of being fully present in what I write.  And for me, an introvert with health problems, the internet has been a real blessing, allowing me to interact with people in genuine ways, people whom I never would have met otherwise.

However I do see her point.  Certainly there are folks out there who put up false personas for whatever reason, or if not false, at least partial, and that is fine.  Time will allow these relationships to develop or not as they are meant to be.  But I know have friends all over the world in a richness I've never experienced before.  

I live alone as far as other humans are concerned.  I am not alone as I have five wonderful companions, two dogs and three cats, who love me and shower me with affection.  But their conversation is limited and I do get lonely with no family close in meaningful ways and with a best friend dealing with her own health issues who also is working 7 days a week running her own business on our island in a less than robust financial climate.  

I am now reaching out in a variety of ways for the connections which we all need, one way or another.  I don't think I'm deluding myself when I think that I'm richer for these contacts.  Sure, not every post generates comments, but that doesn't mean that the post hasn't reached others or even touched others in genuine ways.  I too read a lot more blogs than I ever comment on, so I know that is true.

And then there is the whole world of Twitter, which has rather taken over my life at the moment and I do need to find a way to tame that, but at the moment I feel I know a lot of very fine poets who are encouraging me and I am not only learning a lot, but enjoying it as well.  I am inspired and amused by many of their posts and I retweet them as a way of sharing with others.  

I started with Twitter as a way to follow my son and his running activities as well as occasional posts about his family, especially my granddaughter.  I don't see him except for twice/year brief visits even though he lives in Seattle.  There are a variety of reasons for this which I shan't go into here, but when I read one of his tweets I feel a connection.  Is that real?  Was he thinking of me when he tweeted?  I don't know, but I choose to think so, especially when the tweets are family related.  Am I deluding myself?  I honestly don't know, but I'd rather think positively that there is a real connection there.

And the same is true for my other internet friends.  I was touched to receive a comment on my Tanka Diary (link at the top of the page) when I had a rough day at Study Zone.  It meant a lot to me to have that contact.  I love it when my poems are "liked" on Facebook or re-tweeted on Twitter.  That encourages me in my new creativity as a poet.  Does this have any meaning?  Well, I can only go by my own actions.  I only like or re-tweet poems or posts that touch me or move me or amuse me, so I have to assume others do the same.  What ulterior motive could they have, after all.

However, I'm straying from the point of this post (hey, there was one when I started anyway).  Am I making real connections?  Am I showing up in authentic ways?  I have to believe that the answer to both is yes.  I can see how my internet friendships have changed and enriched my life, and so I am very grateful to each and everyone of you, my readers!  Would love to hear from you about your thoughts on this!  How do you make connections and find kindred spirits?

Crows and Life

Lovely crow in my birdbath

She had some tidbit that she wanted to soak.

I am enjoying the antics of a crow in my yard who keeps coming to my birdbath.  Yesterday she brought something, couldn't tell what, that I think she was eating.  She kept dipping it in the water and playing with it, then drinking water herself, and finally taking whatever it was and flying off.  It was great fun to watch and today she is back again playing in the birdbath even while my yard guys are working nearby.  She is absolutely gorgeous and my photos don't really do her justice, but I am trying to capture her and if I were outside sitting a ways away I would probably get better photos, but I lack the patience for that.  My telephoto lens did capture a lot!  Anyway, here are the photos I did get and I hope they give you an idea of just how magnificent this lovely bird is.  I know she will be the subject of several poems along the way.

Not sure where she got her tidbit, but she loves it!

She is now sitting on my fence behind the tree.

I also am including some photos of my latest artistic endeavors namely crocheting amigurumi critters and woodcarving (definitely just a beginner in both).  I am branching out but my main efforts lately have still been with my poetry.  I have found lots of kindred spirits on both Facebook and Twitter and I'm really enjoying trying my hand at various forms of poetry.  And my Tanka Diary (see link at the top of this page) is muddling along as well.  I like the idea of writing a daily journal which readers can make comments on, and I like the discipline of attempting a tanka every day, even if I find some of my efforts a bit lame at the end of a long day when I'm tired, but I still think I am learning and the discipline is worth the effort.  I'm also branching out a bit and posting my poetry on several poetry websites and I am continually amazed at how well it is received.

My first effort at woodcarving--a self-portrait

Anyway those are the current updates for now.  I have to admit I'm not sure where my days go, but they are going reasonably well.  And for those who aren't following the Tanka Diary, the school year is winding down and next year I will volunteer exclusively at Student Link, our alternative high school, where I will work three mornings/week tutoring and marking papers.  Sasha will have her last chemo treatment this coming Friday 6/3, and I will have sinus surgery on 6/15.  I think that's all the updates, and I hope all my readers are having a wonderful day!

My first amigurumi creatures--pattern says they are
hamsters, but they seem mor like slugs to me, but
I think they are very cute!

All three cats enjoying the sun--Laoise, Thackeray, and Sasha

Time Management, Connections, Ramblings

How do I spend my time these days?  Where do the hours go?  I am looking at finding the connections that all of us need through new resources, at least new for me.  I prefer to stay at home and that suits my introvert personality.  In addition, I never know from day to day just how I will be feeling, on both physical and emotional levels (and of course the two are tied together).  Today, for instance, I woke up feeling wretched with my usual sinus headache and digestive woes.  I've learned that if I just move slowly and take my time, I can generally sort through things and at least get them down to a dull roar, and sure enough, I am feeling much better now by mid-day, and the various aches and pains have subsided to a more reasonable level. 


This state of affairs makes it difficult for me to promise to be anywhere or do anything on a day in the future, especially morning activities.  But I can't become a complete recluse.  Living alone has its advantages (well, not alone as I have 5 wonderful fur companions), and I can order my days pretty much as I want or feel up to, but I want human connections as well.


To that end, I've found the internet a real boon.  I now have blogs--three of them as of yesterday with the addition of my new Tanka Diary site (link at the top of this page), where I can write various things from the ramblings I do on this page to poetry on my haiku page to now daily journal entries on my Tanka Diary page.  In addition, I have a Facebook page where I follow the activities of friends and post a haiku or more per day on the haiku Facebook page.  And finally, the biggest segment of this as well as the most time-consuming, I am on Twitter.


I joined Twitter so that I could see and reply to posts from my son, Eric, since he uses Twitter.  But then I soon found that I was following poets on Twitter and really enjoying it!  I have lots of new friends on Twitter and I spend a good portion of my days trying to keep up with all the posts.  I'm not sure I've found the most efficient ways to do this, but I have discovered lists and so I have those I follow categorized (ok, I am a librarian after all).  In addition, I've discovered that there are several poetry games available, so that for instance, when I'm done getting this post completed I'm going to try to come up with a poem using the words gamine and epicene!


And I get to chat with people and share with people all over the world.  I discovered last night that a couple people I follow were getting up and ready for their days as I was going to bed.  I know--this is perfectly reasonable given the size of the world, but I've never known people living in other parts of the world and now I do.  This was brought home most poignantly after the earthquakes and tsunami in first New Zealand and then Japan!  And I'm really enjoying the diverse perspectives as well.


Finally, I think, I am taking some on-line classes, the current one being Eastern Theraputic Writing at a wonderful site, Writing Our Way Home, and I'm getting to know people there.  It takes time to read all the posts and try to follow the various threads (yes, I'm on several sites which I find a bit confusing so there is a learning curve here as well), comment on them, write my own assignment, etc.


Oh, yes, there is another, as I'm going to try being more active on a poetry site called Poetry Here and Now, another of the ones I find a bit confusing to keep up with, but hey, I need to learn the more modern ways, and certainly without all my internet connections I would be missing out on a ton of connections which are becoming really important to me.


The beauty of all the above avenues for connections is that I can do them in my own timeframe and at my own speed.  I haven't yet caught up with my twitter stream, but that is next on the agenda (well after the poem using gamine and epicene).  Sometimes, if I have to be out and about with appointments etc. I can get behind, but that's ok also.  And there is always someone to chat with, which is wonderful.


But at the end of the day, what have I done?  Is it ok?  Am I just wasting time on the computer?  Well, as my therapist keeps asking, did I enjoy it?  Was I having fun?  And of course the answer is yes!  She continues by saying that nothing that is fun or enjoyable is a waste of time.  And I also am writing a ton more, especially poetry, and learning a lot about being a poet, so that is a very good thing also.


So I will continue with this exploration and if you wish to follow along with me in any of my various venues, feel free!  Would love to have you join the adventure!  Have a super day!

Change, the Nature of Life

Change: I've been thinking a lot about that subject and how it affects me.  At first I thought that because I am getting old I respond less well to change and there may be a bit of truth in that but then I realized that in truth I have never taken kindly to change, at least certain kinds of change.  That caused me to ponder the whole subject.  


This past week I've been exploring, as part of an online class I'm taking, the Japanese teachings called Morita.  As part of the experience we had to do a number of things including keeping a journal throughout the day to note our feelings and what we were doing.  That caused me to realize that most of the time I cannot even put a word to what emotions I'm feeling and that is no doubt the result of years spent denying the body and emotions as far as I possibly could.  Noting what I am doing was less difficult of course because I'm focused on doing rather than being.


But another exercise involved listing things that I am in control of and things I'm not.  That exercise was really an eye-opener for me and I realized that in fact as it relates to change, the changes I like are, not surprisingly, the changes I am in control of.  I am now writing poetry, specifically, haiku although I'm starting to branch into other forms such as various 5 line forms.  I am now crocheting and knitting amigurumi, little animals or creatures that are just plain cute.  I have gotten a set of whittling tools and some chunks of wood and I'm going to try my hand at that.  All of these are new artistic expressions for me and are designed to help me explore my artistic nature.  New avenues of learning or expression have always appealed to me.  I like learning or trying new things and that is why if I'd ever pursued a career, librarian was definitely the career for me on a variety of levels.


However, to return to the notion of change.  I am in need of new ideas, new forms of expression, etc. and always have been.  I like the challenge and I don't thrive well on repetitious tasks.  But those types of change are within my control.  I can chose what art forms to explore and while I might not become expert at any of them, I at least know where to go to get the needed information to learn about them.


Not all changes are like this.  Many of the changes each of us has to face are not of our choosing in the first place and not within our control in the second place.  I had no idea, and certainly no control over, events when my daughter, Pamela, decided to sever all connections with me without any warning (that I saw anyway).  That was fourteen years ago and the pain never leaves me.  But I'm having to deal with the fact that it probably never was about me, but rather about her need to individuate as an adult and at age 27, she certainly had not only that right, but responsibility and there was nothing that I could do except respect her decision.  I've done that now for a lot of years and I realize that one thing I have absolutely no control over is whether she will ever choose to have a relationship with me again.  I can hope for it and believe me that is one change I would welcome with open arms, but other than keeping my heart open to her, sending occasional letters and small gifts through a third party, and thinking of her with love and compassion, there is nothing I can do.  My therapist keeps telling me that what I am doing is huge and that it has the potential to heal our family backwards through generations, but that is more abstract and more spiritual than I can get me head or heart wrapped around.  Still, I do hold her words close to me, especially on bad days, and hope that the healing is occurring whether or not I live to see it.  And the same is true for different reasons with my son, Eric, where I do have a tentative relationship and semi-annual visits, but nothing like what I thought my family would be.  Change isn't always what I envisioned or wanted, but change is life.


And that is the bottom line.  Whether it is change I pick or change I am stuck with, life is about change.  I only have to look out my window to see that as the seasons change visibly each and every day.  Yesterday was a beautiful sunny day and today it is pouring rain.  A few weeks ago all the plants were dormant and now they are growing almost before my eyes.  Change happens.  My massage therapist will be gone from the island for a year as she pursues her dream to become a licensed midwife with a MA in midwifery.  I have four more massages with her before she leaves.  I am very excited for her and will be eager to hear of her experiences as she does her year's internship, especially the time she will be spending on a Navajo reservation.  I will be eager to hear how her daughter likes her new school and her husband his new job.  It is a very exciting opportunity for them all.  But it will make a tremendous change in my life as I've had a weekly massage and sharing chats with her for about three years now maybe even more.  Change happens.


And so it is time to think more about where I am and what I'm doing and to learn enough flexibility as well as major trust, both in myself and the cosmos, to realize that staying present in the moment, fully focusing on what I am doing, what I'm feeling, what is going on around me, being totally in tune with that, whether it is making a cup of tea, writing a blog post, scooping litter, or looking out my window at the crows hopping on my lawn, that staying fully present is the only way to go through life.  The changes will happen.  I need to go with the flow, not regret what happened in the past as that is over and done with and cannot be changed, not be anxious for the future, as again, that is out of my control and certainly out of my knowledge, but stay in the present.  It is a hard task, but the only task really worth doing and the only one that can keep me fully alive in this world.

Superstitions, Reality, Mood Swings, Random Thoughts

Friday the 13th has been an interesting day.  So far, my iTunes has lost its playlists and I couldn't find my music and had to call Apple support which was blessedly helpful and all my music is safe but I've had to reconfigure my playlists, but at least it is all here.  Then my dvd didn't play right away and I had to reset my stereo.  Is this the 13th jinx on Friday the 13th or is it just life.  I have watched my moods swing as these events unfolded and of course the computer woes triggered all sorts of family stuff also since in the past I would have been able to ask Eric about it but now that isn't a possibility.  But on the plus, once I showered and fed my very noisy pets I was able to contact Apple customer service which helped immensely and that also was terrifying to start out with since I remembered the days when various computer customer service calls resulted in someone talking in "computer geek" making me feel stupid and that wasn't helpful and on top of that, if the customer service rep had an accent, my poor hearing just compounded the issue.  Today however, I had a very pleasant experience working with a calm gentleman named Bernard who was reassuring, very specific in his requests, never making me feel stupid or dumb, ending with a successful outcome.  If I have any more difficulties within 30 days I will get all the support I need at no extra charge, so I am very pleased with Apple Service, very pleased that I had the courage to overcome my fears, to put my past on hold, to look, as my current online class in Eastern Philosophies is teaching me, at what is real.  I am a reasonably intelligent woman who is capable of looking after myself and taking care of my companions and I can find help when I need it and now all is going well and I am continuing to import more cd's into my iTunes library and so life is looking good again.


So was this bad luck because it is Friday the 13th?  Or was it just the fact that electronics will misbehave along the way?  And was it in the end good luck because I was able to handle it all, nothing was truly damaged, and I learned more about myself and my reactions and the reasons for them?  I guess it is all in how I look at the situation.  And I'd been saying that 13 is a lucky number for our family, but in fact it was a lucky number for my father, but is it for me?  And is there such a thing as a lucky number in the first place or does life just unfold and what happens happens?  Anyway, those are my thoughts on this, but it has been very interesting to watch my mood swings in the first place and also to see that I have at least learned not to knee-jerk react quite so quickly.  I was upset to find all my iTunes "missing," and I did try some sensible things like rebooting, etc., but when it got beyond my knowledge, I had enough sense to go take my shower, think things through, and contact someone who actually might know something.  So it ended up being a positive learning experience for me and that has to count for a lot.  Each time I can have that positive experience it builds new neural pathways for me to help me undo the heavily ingrained scripts in my head, so that I can stop the old tapes of "you're stupid," etc. and instead look at the reality of the situation.  


In the end, I'd have to say that so far at least, this has been a lucky day for me because I've learned more about myself and how to handle things when I encounter the inevitable bumps in the road.  This is very good, and when I get triggered again, hopefully I will recognize that I have been triggered, take time to re-think and re-evaluate the situation, avoid knee-jerk reactions, and try to see the reality of the moment instead of living with all the past.  The past is over and done with.  Most of what I was programmed with is false.  It is time to get rid of that and move into the present moment when I have a lovely bumblebee flying in and out of a gorgeous magenta flower right outside my window!  It is a beautiful day and I'm going to focus on enjoying that!

Which Comes First, or The Ankle Bone is Connected to the Shin Bone

Which comes first, the chicken or the egg, or the ankle bone is connected to the shin bone.  Yesterday I woke with a splitting headache and for once just decided to listen to my body and not force myself to do things just because that is what I normally do on a Saturday.  Laundry was ok, especially with my new red washer and dryer, but bathing Chauncey was definitely too challenging if I listened to my body so I didn't.  However, today, I woke up feeling some better (allergies always leave me with a headache, especially in the morning, but it was a lower level one), and it is a gorgeous sunny day, so I decided that Chauncey would get his bath after all!  He wasn't too thrilled but fortunately he is good and patient, and we managed it just fine.  And then, I decided to roll out my yoga mat and do some "real" yoga on the mat which I haven't done in maybe 5 months as it was nearly impossible to roll the mat out when we were confined to the bedroom.


It was lovely to do my yoga again in front of my picture window in my bedroom and I was very pleased to find out that my shower yoga and my body butter yoga had worked to keep me stretched out so I was able to do my favorite poses without undo difficulties.  I even did a head stand (using my head stand support), and it felt really nice.


So now I'm wondering my perennial question.  How much do I push myself to do things which I know are good for me (like the yoga) or necessary (like Chauncey's bath) no matter what, and how much do I say oops not today.  As I've mentioned before, I do have an artistic temperament which has melancholy as a major chunk of it and that melancholy can slide fairly easily into depression because of my early childhood programming, among other things.  I talked about this the other day with a couple of my students from Student Link who suffer similarly for similar reasons and I think I was able to help them put things into focus.


But when I mentioned the discussion to my therapist she pointed out that my students have one major advantage over me and in a nutshell that is their youth and health.  She encouraged me to show myself heaps of compassion because I do have a number of health issues, auto-immune thyroid disorder, untreatable allergies, chronic foot pain, spastic colon, low energies, etc, none of which are in any way life-threatening, but combined give me a fair amount to deal with and as I've discovered just this weekend, I never know from day to day how I will feel physically.  Add this to the innate melancholy and it is easy to see, as my therapist pointed out, why I have such fluctuating moods.


So now my question is which comes first or how these are all connected.  For most of my life I have simply pushed myself to meet whatever commitments I'd agreed to or tasks lay ahead of me no matter what I felt like.  I just toughed it out.  We had a saying, Purpuses don't quit, and I lived that to the hilt for most of my life.  Even if I couldn't be smart, creative, graceful, etc, and all the other things I was told I wasn't, I was one who never gave up, who, like the Energizer bunny, just kept right on going, trying my level best no matter what the odds.


However, I can now see what a toll that took on me at every level.  Tomorrow I will be seeing a new podiatrist to deal with my feet, which I managed to ruin beyond repair, and that is just one example.  So I do need to listen and not be so silly anymore.  After all, I am not 17 yrs old as my students are.  At the same time, I know that the ankle bone is connected to the shin bone and that if I don't push myself a bit to do things which I know from past experience do lift my mood, then I'm in danger of sinking further into depression.  


So when do I cancel going to Study Zone, for instance, because I'm not feeling well and hence not perky, and when do I give myself that extra kick in the pants and get going, knowing that once I get there, I generally do fine, even if I'm exhausted by the end.  It is a difficult road to follow.  I've had so many years of negative programming that I slide there way too easily.  It always requires effort to keep going, to do what I know is necessary or good for me or even enjoyable, and there just are days when the required effort seems to be way too much.  


And so I continue on my quest to see which comes first, the mood or the physical difficulties, and how they are connected ankle bone to shin bone so that if I do push myself will my mood lift and will I feel better overall, or will the pushing just make me feel worse as it did a few weeks ago when I had a major sinus/ear infection.  Life is always a balancing act and I just need to adjust to my own balance.


Meanwhile, it is a beautiful sunny day and Chauncey is squeaky clean and Sasha is eating and enjoying life and the other three are also doing well and I'm now ready to fill the hummingbird feeder outside my picture window so that the hummingbirds won't come by and be disappointed.  Hope all is well in your part of the world.  Happy May Day!

Dieting Dogs, Learning Curves, Life in General

This week has certainly been a challenge on a lot of levels.  First, putting dogs on diets is trying for all concerned.  It is true that Poosa is bordering on the obese and her ribs have disappeared and she weighs 37 lbs and really should weigh more like 28, and she is not quite 6 years old and I want to have her around for lots of years, so getting her trimmed down would be a good thing.  And Chauncey, my other Cocker Spaniel, is a bit chunky at his 42 lbs. so it wouldn't hurt him either.  Now that Dr. Nell comes to the house for Sasha I can get her to look at everyone and so we are on a mission.  Nell showed me exactly how much food each dog should have now, and I have two bowls as well, so gone are the days of just doing dry food and leaving it out all the time.  


Now, Poosa gets 1/2 cup of the dry twice a day and I also add 1/2 can of organic pumpkin to that as that is supposed to fill her up with very few calories.  Chauncey gets the same 1/2 can of pumpkin but he gets it added to 1 cup of dry.  And we now do this twice a day and otherwise, no food, although I can add a can of green beans as a snack in the afternoon if they seem desperate.  The pathetic starved looks I'm getting don't help at all, and then to add to the situation, when I went back to my bedroom last night to check to see whether by any chance Sasha had eaten, I discovered that the cat food bowls up on my dresser were absolutely clean!  Didn't take an Einstein to figure out that Poosa had used the cat furniture to climb up on my dresser and eat the cat food! I know Poosa loves to climb, but I really thought the top of my dresser was safe!  Ok, now we had to rearrange things so that Sasha, who isn't all that perky at the moment, can get to the dresser without high jumps but Poosa can't.  Having dogs on diets is definitely adding a level of complexity to my life that I didn't really need, but there it is.


Then, Sasha seems to be having a hard time with the chemo this round even though the dosage was lowered.  Nell stopped by yesterday to give her an anti-nausea injection but I haven't noticed any big change so far.  If Sasha holds true to the pattern from the first round, she should start perking up in the next day or two, I hope.  Needless to say, we are all keeping a close eye on her.  I've also had to learn more about feeding cats, so we are going to do canned cat food (much to Laoise and Thackeray's delight, and I hope one day, Sasha's as well), in addition to the dry, but the canned food can't be out more than 12 hours and needs to have bowls cleaned to avoid food poisoning.  And on it goes.


I am finding that even though I'm reasonably intelligent, I am being confronted with learning curves at just about every point in my life, from how to feed my pets to how to work appliances, etc.  There are days when I just can't deal with learning one more thing and so I wait until I can cope again.  My new washer and dryer are very lovely and in fact I did manage to master them yesterday, 5 days after they were installed, and I like them a lot, but I just couldn't even think about reading the instructions until I absolutely had to.  The oven worked fine last night to do my Sunshine Burger, but I don't know if I have it on the right setting or not as I've never had a convection oven before and so I'm not familiar with all its ins and outs, but my dinner was fine and I guess that is the main thing.  I got an electric can opener (red and very nice) since I'm now opening so many cans each day and even that nearly defeated me and that should be quite simple.  I did get it to work when I realized that the cutting mechanism wasn't properly positioned, and it was minor, but just another example of learning curves coming at me from every angle.  I have a new touch pad instead of a mouse (well, in fairness to the system I could use both) on the theory that the touchpad will help alleviate my wrist pain, but yep, another learning curve.  The touch pad, which is a bigger version of what is found on laptops, is made to work with my wireless keyboard and it actually has much more intuitive and expanded functionality, but again a learning curve added to a coordination curve.


And I am dealing also with minor health issues, but nagging and unhelpful.  This is apparently the worst allergy season on record and that has caused my ear and sinus infections but the usual allergy medications don't work for me or are ones I can't take because of my thyroid, which is also out of whack, and that certainly doesn't help.  So, on top of everything else I haven't been feeling very well, adding to my general malaise.


There has been very little construction here for nearly a month, which has both an upside and a downside.  I've had a lot less to deal with and fewer people in and out, which is the good part, but there are still lots of little things to be done and while the end may be in sight it is still a long ways down the road.  This past week did see more electrical work completed so that my septic tank is now properly wired but the outside box for the yard lights which was also supposed to have come into the house at the same time as the septic wiring, hasn't yet, and I don't know why.  And I don't have an outside light by my bedroom door so now that weather is slightly better so that Chauncey likes to explore his yard for hours in the evening, I don't have a light to help me see from my bed when he returns.  Minor little thing but aggravating, but all my outside lights are at the painter's and only the front door got a cheap substitute so we could pass the electrical inspection.  Hopefully all the outside lights will be regularized soon.


Last week also saw more plumbing with lots of digging to get the water pipe up to the size required for my sprinkler system and I also now have a main water shut-off in the house, something I have wanted since I moved here nearly 5 years ago, so that is all good.  I can actually see an end to the plumbing aspect of all this because I think all that is left on that front is testing the aforementioned sprinkler system, but I'm not sure about that.  There could be other things as well.


And Leigh is back on Monday, according to the current plan, so the pace will hopefully pick up so that I get baseboards so I can have my books and dvds back from storage and I get my new front door and maybe the glass cabinet doors for my kitchen.  I'm also looking forward to having actual closets with shelves and doors, and to getting my garage cleaned and organized, but that is a lot more complex than it sounds and I know it won't all happen overnight.  And eventually all our cat walks will be re-installed and the cats will certainly appreciate that.


Anyway, that's the update on this end.  It will all sort eventually and if some things actually reach completion that will help.  The school year is winding down so I only have another 7 weeks I think it is of Study Zone and fewer for Student Link.  Our weather is sort of warming up--yesterday was beautiful and I could even have the windows open, and I've put away my fleece on the theory that it is not right to be wearing fleece at the end of April, so I sure hope the trend continues.  I hope this finds you well and happy wherever you are this day, and I'll write more later as the saga continues.

Sasha, Existence, Depression, Life, Etc.

Another week has gone by.  The biggest event was Sasha's second chemo treatment which went much more easily than the first one.  Fair Isle Animal Clinic gave us a room for the morning and I was able to hold Sasha all the time except for the two actual treatments when her oncologist held her and she burrowed her head into the oncologist's shoulder and was ok.  Sasha therefore got lots of loving and I know that made a difference.  Her anti-nausea medicine is now in a form where I just have to rub it in her ear and that is much more pleasant for us both and much more effective as well, so she is eating just fine so far.  Next chemo will be May 6th, as long has her blood work is good.  We are now half way with just two more treatments to go.


No real construction this week so nothing to report there.  Leigh will be back from visiting her mom on Tuesday and then things will move forward again.  But the electrical inspection did happen this past Tuesday and of course passed just fine.


My son, Eric, ran a 50 mile endurance run yesterday, the Zane Grey 50 in AZ, and he did very well.  It was apparently hotter than last year and so more of a challenge, but he tweeted that he ran a smart race and that should help him in his training for his next 100 mile race, the Bighorn in mid-June.


Otherwise, life continues.  I'm fighting with depression yet again--sort of a constant with me, I know.  Can't decide what to do with the day, and wondering about the big existential questions.  As I tweeted this morning: does existence need to be justified?  If so, how?  If not, why?  But I suspect, as my therapist keeps reminding me, this too will sort and pass.  That's this week's update and I promise more news and photos and good cheer in the next post.  Hope life is treating you all very well indeed.

Spring Break and Other Oddments

Sasha is helping me quilt.

I haven't posted in awhile I know but I have lots of pictures and things are progressing.  I now have bunches of cabinets in my kitchen and I also have a convection oven which I used for the first time last night to warm up my Tofu Scramble with mushrooms which I'd made the night before.  I'm not entirely clear on the racks and pans, so I think I need to read the book more (although it has very little info) or wait for Leigh to get back to help me as she is an actual cook, but I did have a lovely hot dinner and I liked the effect of the oven baking on the food.  It had a different texture.  Not sure how to describe it, but then I'm not a cook or at least not yet, but it was even better than it had been fresh the first night.  And as far as my kitchen and cooking go, I'm planning to make the carrot ginger soup I did ages ago again tonight now that I have a place for my Vitamix and I have a pantry with pull out drawers so I can find things, etc.

Great Room with Sasha and Thackeray

Meanwhile, on the construction front it has been a quieter week as Leigh, my fabulous contractor, is on vacation visiting her mother in Florida.  This coming week will be even quieter, I think.  But the plumbing for the rebuilding of my home is nearly complete.  There is just some water meter stuff outside to finish to be sure there is enough pressure for the fire sprinkler system.  But I now have a pump installed so there is hot water at all faucets right away instead of having to run tons of water waiting for it and that is very nice indeed!

Great Room with Sasha up high

The electrical is likewise coming along, although there is more of that to come.  I now have all my track lights up, and I have something called an "L-Pad" in my bedroom so that I can adjust the volume of the bedroom speakers separately from the living room and that is quite fantastic.  And all my outlets are functional which is a plus.  Gary, my electrician, will be here tomorrow fixing the panel cover and hopefully hanging the outside lights provided the painter is done with them as the electrical inspection is scheduled for Tuesday.  After that, there is still the matter of digging up my septic tank to get the pump and alarm for that properly wired and then there are some electrical anomalies which need correcting so it will be awhile longer on the electric, but it is chugging and the main thing from my perspective is that everything is functional!

Great Room with an island of cat furniture!

There is still, of course, a lot of finishing to happen with baseboards and framing windows and making shelves for closets and hanging closet doors, but that is something which can just happen at its own pace.  I have everything out of storage that I need.  Once a few pieces of baseboard are installed I can get my books and dvd's back but we don't want to fill those cases while they still have to be moved.  Otherwise, I pretty much have everything here and it is all settling in.  I discovered that the gorgeous enormous cabinet on my quilting counter is big enough to hold all my weaving yarn and that was a big discovery and really helped things to settle down nicely.


Speaking of weaving Charlotte, my loom, had a project on her (hand towels) when I had to send her off to storage last December and I worried about how that would affect the yarn on the loom, but there was no choice.  Well, Charlotte is a real trooper since she came back and I opened her up and it all looks just fine.  I haven't yet done any actual weaving, but I'm hoping to get to that at least to try it out today or tomorrow.

One of the first quilts I've made in 4 months!

Poosa finally figured out how to get up on the counter!
The bench has since been moved!

Kitchen area of Great Room

I have been quilting, catching up on the quilts for island newborns and young siblings, and I made three quilts last weekend and hope I may manage 2 or 3 this weekend also.  I have the tops for two dinosaur quilts for a newborn and his two year old brother nearly done and the backs are washed and ready to go, so once I get showered and moving for the day, that is on the agenda.  Then maybe tomorrow and Tuesday I'll get the other one on the docket done, for a little girl born last week.  I'll be caught up then although there are another 4 which will be needed very quickly, a soon to be born with an older sister and brother, and a first daughter soon to be born, but so far, I haven't heard of their arrivals so I'm not yet overdue on them.

Sasha in all her glory!

Sasha got a week's reprieve on her second chemo.  Her vet, Dr. Nell, came out on Wednesday and took blood and urine but the oncologist had already decided to wait a week.  Her lab results were good, and we will now do it again this Wednesday with the plan of having her second chemo on Friday.  Meanwhile, I'm having some trouble with her peeing on my bed and there isn't a clear answer about that, whether it is old age incontinence, or a behavioral thing with Thackeray and Laoise harassing her, but needless to say it is troubling and annoying.  Last night I went to go to bed only to find it wet.  I stripped it all down and remade it.  I've gotten, thanks to Amazon.com, another waterproof mattress cover so I can now just swap out and I've also ordered a waterproof pad to put on top of things so if she has an accident in the night it might not soak through to my bedding.  And last night I brought a litter box back into my bedroom.  Sasha likes my room the best now, since our incarceration earlier, and so this way she has a box close by and doesn't have to brave an excursion into the Great Room if Thackeray is on the prowl.  As someone who lives in fear and doesn't like to go out my door even, I can sympathize with Sasha's need for security and having a litter box in my bedroom is a small price to pay for her security.  I will now see if this makes a difference.  Right now she is sleeping on my bed, naturally right next to the waterproof pad rather than on it (although she was on it all night) and so I should be able to monitor this to discover whether it is incontinence or behavioral.

Great Room showing quilting areas

So that's the update from this end.  When Dr. Nell was out here she also checked on Thackeray's eye, which is all healed up, and Chauncey's ears (still need drops), and then she looked at Poosa who needs drops in her right ear and then Dr. Nell took blood from Poosa to see if there was a reason for her overweight status (there isn't--her blood work came back fine), so now I have the unenviable task of trying to limit food for Poosa.  Gads that is a challenge, but we shall see if we are up to it as she is not quite 6 and so loosing some weight so we could at least find ribs would be a healthy thing.

Kitchen with new range hood, oven, pantry

This week will see school and hence tutoring resuming so I'm going to be busier than and my Spring Break ended up being a break only for about 3 days, but still it was a break and I will hope the resuming of tutoring goes well.  My antibiotics finished up this morning and the left ear still isn't what it ought to be, but I'll be seeing my doctor on Thursday and meanwhile it has at least gotten to being only annoying instead of painful.  I am trying to put together a submission of some of my haiku for an anthology for women haiku poets and that submission is due by next Friday so I need to get on top of that.  Our weather continues cold and rainy but there were some lovely sun breaks and Friday especially saw lots of sun.  Hoping this finds you all well and happy and on the path you have chosen.  Until the next post that's it for now.

Bell Curves and Normalcy

Bell Curves:  Is that how normalcy is defined and is being normal all it is cracked up to be.  Now with Sasha's cancer I am confronted again and again with the fact that my world view is vastly different from the majority and in fact even than most minority views.  There are, of course, other vegetarians and vegans.  There are lots of animal rights activists.  And there are plenty of folks, even if they aren't in the majority, who hold all life sacred.


But I don't know of any others, and I'm sure I just haven't found them because I can't be the only one, who would say that humans have no more (nor less) right to consideration than any other species, that the lowly slug (not sure why I pick on them except that I personally love slugs and snails and I just read a book about snails) has just as much right to life and consideration as I do.  As a result, I think that Sasha's cancer should be treated just the same way I would treat my own should I develop it.  I expect that doctors would react to her as they would react to me, answering concerns, etc.


However, that isn't how the world operates.  No matter how sympathetic and wonderful vets may be, the system is set up so that there aren't emergency pagers for a particular vet, but rather for a clinic, which is lovely, but not what Sasha and I both need.  Pets are treated differently from people.  Humans are considered to be more important than or better than other species.  If I am sick I can call my doctor's office and get a message to her one way or another depending on whether it is during office hours or not, and that message will get to her in a timely fashion even when she is on vacation.  But with Sasha, the clinic would do no more than leave Sasha's vet a message and I still haven't gotten a call back.  Sasha, thankfully, is not so wobbly today and moving well although I have yet to see her eat, which isn't to say that she hasn't, just that I haven't seen her eat, but the fact is I called and was told flatly that Dr. Nell wasn't in yesterday so I'd either have to wait or deal with someone else.


I don't know.  I just know that I don't think humans have any more right to live on this planet than any other species and in fact, given the way humans in general are treating Mother Gaia, I'd say we have much less right to be here.  I would never put myself above another species and I know that makes me odd, but there it is.  I will take my oddness every day of the week, but there are times when I get confronted with how far out of the norm I am that I feel isolated and lonely.  I would like to find more kindred spirits, more who would understand where I'm coming from.  Lacking that, I find solitude a very acceptable alternative.  This weekend I will be by myself with my special lovely family and I won't have to talk with or interact with anyone, so my very strangeness, out of the bell curveness, won't be an issue.  Certainly Chauncey, Poosa, Laoise, Thackeray, and Sasha are happy with who I am and what I believe and that is more than enough for this weekend.  Such are my thoughts for today.