Light, a Poem

my life spent living
in a black abyss finally
meeting a kindred spirit
united in our pain
sorrow loneliness
victimhood
surrounded by clawing tentacles
trapped by beliefs
which determine
dreadful realities


one day I notice
the faintest glimmer of light
calling, beckoning
I begin to reach forth
inching my way
slicing through years
of abuse, pain, loss
each day stretching
sometimes sliding back


onwards I crawl
like a newborn
daring to believe
in a new reality
the light grows slightly
more inching toward
the edge of the abyss
lifting myself
barely over, slipping
but struggling free


I glance down
way back in the darkest
part of the black abyss
I see my friend
still trapped in her black reality
I stretch out my hand to help
she grabs but then I start
sliding back down into
the abyss which
would be death to me


I have to let go
my light is for me
guiding me to my path
to a different reality
I can not bring her along
she must find her own
light to guide her out of
her abyss to her new reality
once she finds the courage
to embrace different beliefs


I am sad
feeling another loss
never giving up hope
that one day all lost
souls like me will begin
new journeys to the
paths they were meant
to find
I hold my friend in my heart
hoping she climbs free soon

Being True to Yourself or What I've Learned in the Last Couple Days

I have learned and grown so much in the last few days, thanks to the help of my therapist and friends, both those who know me in person and my internet friends!  I am grateful especially to Leigh, my friend and contractor, who called this morning from Canada where she is celebrating Canada Day and a dog's birthday with her partner.  And I am also very grateful to @fumanchucat, @wordblender, and @LydiaSchoch, who have all helped me to a much healthier perspective.  If you have twitter accounts, you should follow these great people.


Anyway, as I believe I've mentioned before, I have a very wounded little girl inside me who is easily triggered.  I am getting better at seeing the triggers, at least, but I can still get side-swiped.  I think the reality is that we all can be triggered by various factors and usually the trigger does not even know they are the trigger, and my reaction certainly has nothing to do with the person doing the triggering, but rather with my past, etc.


In any case, the reality is that I am a very warm-hearted, kind, empathic, giving person who has an enormous energy (something my therapist is working on me to recognize since I don't see me that way, but rather as the scared little girl residing in me) and a not inconsiderable intelligence (had to admit that after years of being called the stupid one when I gave birth to two genius children, and also succeeded academically to the point where I have 2 bachelors, 2 masters, and 1 PhD, and no, I am not going for another PhD for balance, thank you!).  The energy and the intellect make me threatening to some people, especially those who don't know me.  Ok, that's fine, but that doesn't mean there is anything wrong with me (or them for that matter).  And if people find me intimidating, then maybe we aren't a good match or fit, but that doesn't mean I should change or run like a scared rabbit.


And in the particular case I wrote about in my last blog post, the fact is the there is a major language barrier between me and the guys doing my yard work--I speak no Spanish and they speak no English.  They also are living in constant fear to begin with so all of our society is potentially threatening to them, but this is not my problem to deal with and changing me, even if that were appropriate, wouldn't really help.


Leigh also helped me to remember that this is an isolated incident.  Most people who are working on my remodel and have been for 2 1/2 years (the remodel that will never end because I keep adding to it!), love to work for me.  They find me eccentric, off the wall, kind, usually patient, etc., and they get to do things, like building cat walks, etc., that they normally don't get asked for.  If they have to paint, well it is purple or pink or orange, etc., not the same old beige/white.  And most of them now know me well enough not to be intimidated by me.  I've explained to especially Leigh, contractor extraordinaire, Daryl, plumber magnifique, and Gary, electrician fantastique, that I do have some health issues around my Hashimoto's Thyroid Disorder, chronic pain, chronic sinusitis, and my depression that take their toll.  They, of course, also have days where they aren't feeling up to par, and we all feel comfortable enough now to say that from the get-go on any given day so that particular crabby or grumpy days aren't taken personally by anyone.  One of my carpenters doesn't start days well, so we've learned that I should just let him get into his routine and not even greet him until he's had several coffees, smokes, etc.  That is just how he is and that's ok also!


But it is a luxury to be able to get to know these wonderful people well enough that we all feel able to express and work around own our own issues, etc.  That can't happen with my friend's business primarily because of the language barrier.  So I've had to put the ball back in her court.  I will not have fear driving anyone who works here.  I am very sensitive to people and their emotions and I need positive energies coming into my space (which is different from someone having a bad day, obviously).  Heaven knows I am governed by enough fears of my own that I don't need more being added.  So if these people can relax and know that I'm very pleased with their work and I'm not going to get them fired, etc., and they can just enjoy working here, well and good.  But if they are so intimidated by me that they live in mortal terror of what I might say or do, then they aren't the right people for the job here.  


Yes, I've expressed frustration and on my bad days I probably haven't been as tactful as I might otherwise be.  Just like everyone else, I'm human with my own set of weaknesses and foibles.  I know this, and I work to combat it, but the reality is that I'm only sure on bad days that I can "hold it together" for a few hours at a time.  That is why my schedule is set up where I'm not gone from my home for more than a couple hours at a time and that is why I've set things up so that I have complete solitude on the weekends to regroup.  It is the only way I could survive, as an introvert, having my home torn apart and rebuilt.  I've also set things up so people don't show up until after 9AM (10AM is even better) and they are gone by 5PM.  That is the limit of my abilities also.


I've worked hard at finding out what works for me and what doesn't, and of course, that is an on-going process.  But what I can't do, no matter how tempted I was during the last two days, is deny who I am.  And why should I?  I am a good person, as are most of us, and I know I'm not the right fit for everyone, but those who do fit well in my universe are unquestionably loyal to me as I am to them.  I understand their issues and they understand mine.  I do have to work at some communication issues, because, as you may have noticed from the way I write, I speak in long convoluted sentences, eventually coming back to the point.  And actually, since I know this can be a problem, I used this as one of my gauges when I met my current therapist.  Could she keep up with my convoluted thought process?  The answer is, of course, yes, as she is also very bright.  So can my doctor, and so most thankfully of all, can Leigh!  Because where I get in trouble, and that has been the case with my sprinkler system and my friend's business in general, is when I think I've been very clear about what I've asked for, and the other person has nodded and/or said a few appropriate words back, but then down the road I discover that they only grasped a phrase here and there, but not the entire picture.  So I'm trying to learn when I need to back up and use less convoluted sentences, etc., but what I love about Leigh is that she can keep up with me and then she can "translate" it into proper form for whomever is doing the job.  I tend to give way too much information, way too detailed explanations, etc.  And Daryl and Gary can also keep up with me and that trio has done so much for me as well as my home that we have wonderful relationships.  I can't expect that everywhere, but when I find it, it is a pearl beyond belief!


And another pearl of wisdom from this time @fumanchucat, is that I need to stop worrying about what others think or how others perceive me.  Yet another pearl came from @wordblender who also has similar intimidation issues and she said that others have said she is angry or whatever when in fact she isn't, she's just painfully shy but because of her size she can come across as angry and scary.  I think this is really important because the way others perceive me usually is not what I'm feeling or being at the time, as those who know me realize.  Frequently the perceptions have much more to do with the person doing the perceiving than the do with me, as is true for triggers as well.  So living my life based on other's perceptions of me is a slippery slope to invisibility, a place I've been most of my life.  I am not going there again!


As I discussed quite awhile ago, I am a 4 on the Enneagram personality type, and that is the artist, the individual, the melancholy.  It means that I am either up or down, with rarely any middle ground.  That melancholy is a plus as it fuels my art, whether that be poetry or quilting or weaving, etc.  It also makes me the drama queen.  And the trap is that it can easily slide into depression, the slide being made easier by the thyroid disorder and the chronic pain, but of which have depression in their own right as side-effects.  And I'm understanding this a lot better which is why I'm much more open about it and share with those around me so that they don't take things personally which were never so intended.  And add that to my big energy (whatever that means--I'm still trying to figure that out) and my intellect, I can see that I could be considered intimidating to some.  Of course I still find that bewildering since I'm so scared myself, but I accept that it is a fact.  In certain situations I try to scale back the energy when it is appropriate, but that simply is a part of who I am and I need to be ok with that also.


Anyway, that's where all this has led me at the moment.  I'm going to work on not being so scared of the world, and staying true to myself, and finding like souls who truly "grok" me, as my new dog Oliver does--talk about a scared rabbit--he is terrified of his own shadow, poor guy, but he has bonded to me unbelievably and he knows my heart already.  He knows when I yell at Chauncey to stop barking that I am not a threat to him (or Chauncey).  He knows I will protect him even when I'm rearranging furniture and making loud noises, etc., because he sees into my heart--he doesn't just see the surface of big energy and intellect, and believe me I am grateful for everyone who in in Oliver's camp.


Meanwhile, today is a beautiful day here in the Pacific Northwest!  I have my laundry well in hand; I've given Chauncey his weekly bath; I've picked a bunch of strawberries for my breakfast (which I'll get now!), and I have two days of solitude to enjoy.  I will see Ron, my Saturday UPS guy, who will be bringing me a cat litter scoop as mine broke yesterday, but that will be the extent of having anyone here.  I will putter around, do some watering, write some poetry, relax, and regroup and that will be lovely.  I am at peace now having processed this all for the moment and again, many, many thanks to those of you who have helped me see what the real truth is!  Have a super day wherever you are!

How Others Perceive Us

I am having a rough time dealing with some feedback I received from a friend in an e-mail.  I know the friend loves me and she was just being honest and writing from her heart, and I do appreciate the honesty as I've always said that no matter how much the truth hurts it is much, much better than lies or deceptions. But honesty can still hurt a lot.


In her e-mail dealing with a project I hired her to complete, namely a sprinkler system for my yard, she expressed her frustrations with the project, which I certainly share as it is not going well, and then she said in response to events on Tuesday that she thought I ought to know that while she knows I have a generous and kind heart that I come across as mean and hard, and that I am so strong that the guys think I'm yelling at them.  She says this has always been a problem but that it is just the way I am.  Tuesday apparently one of the guys threatened to quit and my friend's husband said I was so grouchy he wouldn't stay around. 


This all came as a major shock to me as one, I said nothing to the guys filling the trench (after the electric conduit had been run and the day before another supervisor had promised me that it would be no problem for the guys who dug the trench to come back the next day to fill it, but that turned out not to be the case after all) and only made a simple request of my friend's husband in I thought perfectly respectful language (the guys were dropping rocks on my plants and I was surprised and amazed by that but obviously wanted them to know that wasn't a good plan).  But apparently, this is not how I am perceived and that really bothers me.


I have worked really hard over the last few years especially, not to be snappish or crabby and on my bad days (which I certainly do have battling depression, a thyroid auto-immune disorder, and now surgery recovery and a low grade fever), I try to stay away from others so that I don't have to work as hard to overcome feeling like crap.  And when I do have to be around others I also work extra hard to try to compensate for feeling horrible.


Obviously I have been deceiving myself about how successful this plan is.  And I know my frustration with how badly this project is going and how little I know about it was all too apparent.  The schedule for installation had to be changed primarily because no one told me what the schedule was until a couple days before my surgery, and then they were surprised that I didn't want major yard work going on the day after my surgery.  I certainly would have told them that much earlier if anyone had told me what was on the schedule, but unfortunately as much as I love my friend, her business is very disorganized and communication is poor, and I'm trying my level best to be supportive and understanding, but I suspect my frustrations have shown through at times and now I have guys who don't want to work here and others who are working here only grudgingly, and I feel horrible that I upset anyone especially since by my very nature I try so hard never to hurt anyone.


I don't know what to do.  I wish school were still in session so I could chat with my students.  They really get it!  When I'm not feeling well or having a tough day, I'm honest and let them know and we work through it and if I'm not at top form they are exceedingly forgiving.  Of course, the reciprocal is also true.  When they come in tired or hungry or upset I do my level best to be understanding and compassionate and help them out also.  Lesson plans change to accomodate life, and that's how we work.  My students are in alternative education for a reason--the regular system let them down and didn't work for them, and the same is true for me, so we have a common bond of respect and understanding.


But maybe I'm just fooling myself.  Maybe others also see me as mean and hard but just aren't as honest as my friend, who really showed a tremendous amount of courage by telling me how she and her workers see me.  I'm still so upset since the very last thing I would ever want to be is mean and hard.  I'm trying to process it all, and I'm very glad I don't have to see anyone until Monday.  Hopefully by then I will have figured out something.  But until then, I'm going to try to calm down, have a quiet weekend, and recover.  


I did have my second post-op doctor's appointment today and my splints came out--unpleasant but over relatively quickly--and he didn't seem at all concerned with my low grade fever (just under 100, when my normal temp is a degree below normal), but I know that means I need to rest more.  Turns out I still have to go back one more time, in 3 weeks, and I hope that is the last.  I got a ride today from Island Girl Transport and that worked well.  My internet service is exceedingly slow (the online tech said he'd never seen numbers as low as mine!) and I'm hoping someone will be out tomorrow as I can't see Netflix streaming or do much on the computer, but maybe, in addition to setting sprinklers in my yard, a task I actually rather enjoy, I will read the weekend away.


That's it.  If anyone has any thoughts about how to handle the perceptions of others or how others see you, I'd be most interested to hear them.  I obviously have a lot to learn, but then that's life, I guess!

Abdication of Power

When do my choices become an abdication of my power?  My therapist says that as a rule, women's work is power and men's work is relationships.  This is, of course, a generality and as with all generalities, subject to major exceptions, but I have found that overall it does seem to ring true.  And my work is certainly to keep from becoming invisible and retreating in the face of threats, imagined or real.  I do live with a lot of fears, fears that I'll do the wrong thing or fears that someone will challenge me or yell at me, etc., and I know where these fears come from and while many are no longer true, some still are legitimate.


Nevertheless, I am an adult now, and so reacting as I did when I was a small child isn't always terribly helpful.  Of course that small wounded child still is a part of me, but I need to be reassuring, being the adult for her that she never had when she was growing up.  These thoughts popped up today as I was doing my online shopping for pet needs.  I have recently found a brand of canned cat food that the cats and I have agreed on.  Wellness cat food comes in small cans, has no meat byproducts, fillers, etc., and it is a pate which does not look like any "body parts" so I, as a vegan, find it less horrific to feed.  (And personally I'm thrilled that because of Chauncey's allergies, the dogs are on a vegan diet, but I do know dogs differ from cats in this as well as many other ways).


And I was thrilled when I thought that I could obtain this cat food from my local organic market through their buyers club, so that I would be supporting an on-island business and one that I wasn't afraid to go to.  However, today, when I tried to get my first order ready, I found out that they don't carry the small cans.  Ok, big disappointment.  Went to Amazon.com (my fall back for a lot since I don't leave the island), and they had it but only if I ordered from one of the big pet chain stores and I'm anti-them also.


The apparently simple solution is to buy it from our local and lovely on-island pet store, Pandora's Box.  So what's the problem?  One of their clerks had treated me very badly on two separate occasions and I'm just afraid to run into her again.  The adult me knows that in this instance the power of the consumer is all-encompassing, but the child in me doesn't want to be berated, criticized, etc.  This clerk doesn't listen and she'd brow-beat me into what she said was the "best" cat food without listening at all to my needs and I was horrified to find that I could see parts of fish in the cans when I opened it.  I gave the food to a friend who has cats but is not vegan, but the experience was not pleasant.


Since then I have been back--got my courage up one day when I absolutely had to have cat food, and I then was treated extremely well by two clerks there that day who did listen, and who gave me a variety of options and explained them all very carefully and even took into account smell factors as well as looks.  And I did very gently mention my previous two encounters and they took that seriously as well.


So there should be no problem going back there to buy my cat food (and cat litter when that is needed because shipping that is absurd), and I will give it a go, especially since I will be headed that way on Thursdays now for summer tutoring at the library, but it will be with fear, and I suspect it will become easier each time I do it and I think that this is not only good for an island business but good for me, not to abandon myself and my principles because of one person, but it will stretch me.


I don't know if I will always have this issue going new places or going where I've not been well-treated.  It is one reason why I prefer to stay home, in my space, out of the line of sight of much of the world.  Some days even crossing the street for my mail is a challenge, and I always think several times over before I walk very far into my backyard because I had a neighbor yell at me several winters ago for a landslide which in fact was her yard's issue, not mine.  For the most part, that works fine, but I suspect that I am giving up lots of my power to those who shouldn't have power over me.  And on my better days, I forge ahead, at least with small challenges.  Today is a nice cool sunny day and all my windows are open and I'm feeling reasonably well, so the idea of buying my cat food at Pandora's Box on Thursday seems most do-able.  I am hoping it will seem just as do-able when Thursday rolls around!  Have a wonderful day wherever you are!

This and That!

Poosa

It has been quite a week!  First, Happy Pride Weekend to all who celebrate!  My rainbow flag has been rehung with a new bracket and it is flying proudly in my driveway.  Anyway, the last couple weeks have been unusually eventful for me.  My sinus surgery went well, according to my surgeon whom I saw yesterday for my first post-op visit, although I'm still stuffy, wishing I could blow my nose, tired and exhausted, etc.  But he found a bone growth which he removed and it proved to be benign and the sinuses have been cleaned out, etc., so hopefully this will all make a big difference to my health.  I still have the splints, but those come out next Friday.  So that's the update there.

Oliver, Daphne, and Poosa

Meanwhile, Oliver is settling into our family beautifully.  He is still very skittish, but he definitely is learning the routine and I've noticed that he is willing to explore more in his new yard and that seems a very positive sign.  His new dog bed arrived yesterday and he absolutely loves it.  A friend on Twitter had told me about For Your Dogs Only and I had previously gotten two nice beds for Chauncey and Poosa which they like a lot, so I had no trouble ordering up one for Oliver.  It is a bagel style bed, and he hops over the edge of it and then burrows down and obviously he finds it safe and comfy.  I suspect that Oliver will turn out to be more curious than the other two once his fears are calmed.  This morning he actually came into the outdoor shower with Chauncey and me while I was bathing Chauncey.  He just wanted to check out what we were up to.  Poosa doesn't come within 50 ft. of the shower when it is running, and Chauncey would also have bolted if his leash hadn't been fastened to a hook.  Without a doubt, Oliver is happiest when he is close to me.  As I type this he is at my feet sleeping happily and wherever I go, there he goes also.  Poosa does the same so I'm always accompanied everywhere.  Chauncey waits a bit to see if I am going to return soon as he is definitely getting slower and he has to have reasonable motivation before he stands up and shifts location.  

Poosa, Oliver, and Chauncey at Breakfast

On other fronts, Eric ran another 100 mile race last weekend and it was fun for me that he was running it near where one of my blogging friends lives so she could update me on weather, etc.  I think he did really well, coming in 60th/115 finishers in 29 hrs., 51 min. 46 sec.  And then he posted a photo of his new gorgeous green Brooks running shoes which he'd worn the weekend before when he visited me.  The shoes were totally unrecognizable after the 100 mile trail run!  Today Kelly, his wife, is running in the Seattle Rock and Roll Marathon and I hope she will also do very well.  Personally, I get tired just thinking about that much activity, but they love it.  And Pamela has texted me several times and I'm learning about the life of a conductor.  It is wonderful to hear from her and I am now trying to be much less cell phone challenged, sometimes with more success than others!

Oliver and Daphne

This has made me think how our communication has changed over my lifetime and especially how it has changed in the last few years!  I do, as I've mentioned before, like the internet and they forms of communication and interaction that are available there.  They suit me for a variety of reasons.  I love how with both Twitter and Texting you can be right in the moment, sharing feelings, capturing instantly what is happening.  It is quite lovely!  And I'm definitely connecting with people, making new friends, etc.  It is lovely, and I now have friends all around the globe which is a first for me.  But of course, the best part by far for me is hearing from Eric and Pamela and learning what their lives are like and what they are doing etc.

Oliver in His New Bed

Oliver Loves His New Bed!

Ok, back to the last week or two.  We had another power outage last night, the second in a week and I have no idea why as there were not storms, winds, etc.  I was in bed reading when the power went out last night, and Oliver was definitely not pleased!  The generator is right outside my bedroom window so when the power goes out, 18 sec. later the generator kicks in and then the panel in the laundry area makes a loud cracking noise, as most of the power kicks over.  I had to get up and close my bedroom window and eventually Oliver decided nothing horrible was going to happen so he returned to his new bed.  But I'm with Oliver--the generator is loud and sleeping was difficult.  Three hours later the power returned and that is a much quieter process.  The panel box does no loud cracking and the generator merely turns off.    And there was no loss of power for 18 seconds.  I haven't found out why we lost power last night.  Last weekend we had a similar outage (when my vet was here to check on Oliver) and that time I called the utilities to find out it was a downed tree.  Again, no storm and no wind! But last night I did not have enough curiosity to get out of bed, find the phone book, and work my way through the cumbersome menu to find out the reason for the outage.  Anyway, I can't wait for my power backup for my computer to arrive as I don't like the way the power outage takes the computer down!  My electrician has had me order a protector box with limited battery power so that the computer will never realize that 18 sec. went by before the generator kicked in.  In any case, we normally don't have power outages at this time of the year, but it has certainly tested my new system and it is working perfectly so that is comforting even if Oliver doesn't like the noise!

Butterfly Feeding

I've been enjoying all the activity in my yard.  I cannot believe how many hummingbirds, crows, juncos, black-capped chickadees, and butterflies I have!  I have planted more flowers, but even so, I suspect they were always here, but I just wasn't in a place to notice them.  My haiku writing has trained me well to stay in the moment and observe what is going on around me.  This morning in my shower I had fun watching a couple slugs.  At first I thought there was just one and it was really a swift mover, but then I realized that there were actually two.  It was lovely to watch them waving antennae and exploring their world.  Then I was amused by three crows around my backyard pond who obviously were enjoying the day.  Soon a fourth swooped in to join them, as a butterfly drank from the flowers surrounding the pond.  It was really very lovely.  The dogs and I then went out to pick strawberries.  I love this time of year because I can get a handful or more of fresh strawberries each morning from my strawberry patch.  Last year they produced all the way through until nearly November!  Anyway, it was lovely picking the strawberries while watching the dogs capering around the  front yard.  These are precious moments and I'm glad I've gotten to the point where I can notice and enjoy them.


So that's the update from Vashon!  Our island is perking along well overall and we also are doing fine.  I hope everything is lovely for you wherever you are.

Oliver, Entitlement, Family!

Eric, Kelly, and Josie

What a week or two it has been!  Last Sunday I had a wonderful visit from Eric, Kelly, and Josie and I was so very grateful that they were able to fit that into their busy schedule since this week was big for both Eric and me.  I had sinus surgery on Wednesday, which I am still trying to recover from, and Eric ran the Bighorn 100 mile trail endurance run Friday and Saturday, finishing 60th out of 115 finishers, with a time of 29 hours 51 minutes 46 seconds, and I would imagine he is going to be recovering from that over the next few days/weeks!  Congratulations Eric!

Eric, Poosa, Kelly, and Josie

And then I heard from my daughter, Pamela, first time in 14 years, and we are now texting!  I'm having to learn how to text and also how to keep my phone charged and how to discover when I have text messages other than tweets, but I am learning and there couldn't be a better incentive!  Reconnecting with Pamela has definitely brought me a joy beyond all belief!

Oliver and Poosa

And if that weren't enough for the week, I got a chance to adopt another dog, a beautiful 5 yr. old black and white cocker named Oliver!  Our main vet, Dr. Nell, had told me about him when she was here a little over a week ago taking blood from Sasha, and I fell in love with him just from his photo and his life story.  He is the same coloring as Poosa and they are about the same age as well.  I got a call from the foster lady on Wednesday as I was at the Polyclinic filling out my admitting forms for my surgery!  I explained my situation, but said yes, I wanted Oliver for sure, and by Friday afternoon I felt up to meeting him.  He is wonderful and he is now a full-fledged member of our family!  I've ordered up his dog bed, tag, collar, and leash so he will have the same as Poosa and Chauncey, but in purple (Chauncey is blue and Poosa, pink).  Yesterday, when I noticed his eyes were rather goopy I had Dr. Alan come out for a "farm visit" to check Oliver over, and Oliver is now also on eye drops (he was on lip meds since he has only 12 teeth and so does drool and his lips then need daily attention), and he got the last of his injections (rabies and lepto, although the lepto will need a booster in 3-4 weeks), so Oliver is definitely ours!  I even rearranged the living room so I now have one of the couches right next to my chair so Oliver can be petted (and so of course can Poosa and Chauncey) when I'm sitting there.  Otherwise, he likes to be at my feet when I'm at my desk or else right next to my bed on my yoga cushion which we are using as a dog bed till his arrives.

Oliver

I'm not sure what trauma Oliver went through before he came to me.  His teeth were so bad that Dr. Nell had to remove most of them (he now has only 12 teeth, out of the 42 most dogs have).  There was mention from the foster mom about Oliver living with toddlers who were allowed to terrorize him, but I think there must have been much more to his early life, as he is not only very shy, another scared little rabbit in our family, but he doesn't feel entitled to anything!

Poosa and Oliver

Oliver's arrival got me thinking about issues of entitlement and worthiness, issues which I also have.  All of my companions are rescued animals and each has his/her own story.  Sasha was rescued by Eric from the Seattle Humane Society 13 years ago when she was 2, and she was so sick we didn't know if she would survive.  But she has, beautifully, and she is even working hard at beating aggressive oral cancer.  She has learned, especially through this last illness, to get what she needs to survive and I'm very proud of her.  Thackeray lost his mother at birth, but was bottle fed until I adopted him at the tender age of 8 weeks.  He is now 12 years old and trust me, Thackeray has absolutely no issues of entitlement!  He has ruled his world from the get-go even with the early loss of his mother.  Laoise (a Celtic name Eric gave her, which is pronounced Leesha) is a very shy cat and usually stays hidden when anyone else comes into the house, but there is absolutely no question about her feeling entitled where the other cats and even dogs are concerned!  She is always first to the food bowl, and she loves to be petted and fussed over.  Those are my cats.


Then for the dogs, we have Chauncey who was a rescued dog found at the side of the road when he was about 1 year old, but he lived on a farm in Eastern Washington for another four years and then his family went through a divorce, and I was fortunate enough to be able to adopt him.  He fit in right away and has ruled the doggie world in my home now for 8 years.  He also knows he is entitled to care and he definitely sees to it that his needs are met.  Poosa lived her first 5 years at a breeders and then I adopted her last year.  From the beginning it was clear that while she was a timid soul, jumping at loud noises (she still runs every time my steamer turns off!), and while she'd never known a dog bed or a dog toy, she certainly had not been mistreated as she also is excellent at feeling entitled and getting her needs met--just ask anyone who comes over as Poosa makes sure she gets lots of extra loving.  

Oliver

And that brings me now to Oliver.  He is shy and easily startled by any noise, even soft ones.  But beyond that, he disappears or hides as a way to stay invisible.  I certainly understand that behavior--I too have followed that path.  If no one sees us, then we can't be hurt, etc.  But we also cannot get our basic needs met.  I am learning, as I heal, to develop feelings of worthiness and entitlement which I never had growning up.  It is difficult and undoing the past programming is very hard, especially when something triggers a reaction from the past.  But I am showing up more, staying present, learning not to abandon myself under any perceived threats (well sometimes anyway--this is still very hard for me).  And I think it is the same for Oliver!  But already we've seen a change.  He has, for instance, just come out of my bedroom and sat himself down at my feet under my desk so he is with us.  I had to keep the 1/2 bath door shut for the first couple days until Oliver found his new safe spot next to my bed as he wanted to hide in the corner behind the toilet, but now the door is open and Oliver is staying out with us.  Yesterday he slept most of the afternoon and evening on the couch right next to me and I gave him lots of love.  The last two mornings he has followed Poosa around the yard while I was showering and the two are so cute together.


I know that we are a good fit, Oliver and I, and that we can help each other to heal.  And I know that the other two dogs as well as the cats will help us as well.  Our family has grown and another injured soul has been rescued!  We now consist of one human, three dogs, and three cats, 4 female, 3 male (hey, we females have to keep the upper hand!).  This is a perfect time for Oliver to settle in as my calendar was already cleared off because of my surgery and my schedule is much quieter in the summer anyway, so Oliver will get settled in nicely now and never again will he be hurt or mistreated.  He can learn that he is definitely worthy of having his needs met, he is entitled to all the love and care we can show him and he will give that love back doubled in spades!  Welcome, Oliver, to our family! 

Communication, Connections, Friendship, Kindred Spirits

What is friendship?  How do we get to know each other?  How do we "show up" as my therapist says, in the world and make connections?  I know I've written about this in some ways previously, but an e-mail today from a friend got me thinking about it again.  She made some really important points that writing on a blog is in many ways impersonal and distancing and that she doesn't feel special when I write for the internet and that the real me doesn't show through.

I'm really not sure about that.  I certainly write with every intention of being fully present in what I write.  And for me, an introvert with health problems, the internet has been a real blessing, allowing me to interact with people in genuine ways, people whom I never would have met otherwise.

However I do see her point.  Certainly there are folks out there who put up false personas for whatever reason, or if not false, at least partial, and that is fine.  Time will allow these relationships to develop or not as they are meant to be.  But I know have friends all over the world in a richness I've never experienced before.  

I live alone as far as other humans are concerned.  I am not alone as I have five wonderful companions, two dogs and three cats, who love me and shower me with affection.  But their conversation is limited and I do get lonely with no family close in meaningful ways and with a best friend dealing with her own health issues who also is working 7 days a week running her own business on our island in a less than robust financial climate.  

I am now reaching out in a variety of ways for the connections which we all need, one way or another.  I don't think I'm deluding myself when I think that I'm richer for these contacts.  Sure, not every post generates comments, but that doesn't mean that the post hasn't reached others or even touched others in genuine ways.  I too read a lot more blogs than I ever comment on, so I know that is true.

And then there is the whole world of Twitter, which has rather taken over my life at the moment and I do need to find a way to tame that, but at the moment I feel I know a lot of very fine poets who are encouraging me and I am not only learning a lot, but enjoying it as well.  I am inspired and amused by many of their posts and I retweet them as a way of sharing with others.  

I started with Twitter as a way to follow my son and his running activities as well as occasional posts about his family, especially my granddaughter.  I don't see him except for twice/year brief visits even though he lives in Seattle.  There are a variety of reasons for this which I shan't go into here, but when I read one of his tweets I feel a connection.  Is that real?  Was he thinking of me when he tweeted?  I don't know, but I choose to think so, especially when the tweets are family related.  Am I deluding myself?  I honestly don't know, but I'd rather think positively that there is a real connection there.

And the same is true for my other internet friends.  I was touched to receive a comment on my Tanka Diary (link at the top of the page) when I had a rough day at Study Zone.  It meant a lot to me to have that contact.  I love it when my poems are "liked" on Facebook or re-tweeted on Twitter.  That encourages me in my new creativity as a poet.  Does this have any meaning?  Well, I can only go by my own actions.  I only like or re-tweet poems or posts that touch me or move me or amuse me, so I have to assume others do the same.  What ulterior motive could they have, after all.

However, I'm straying from the point of this post (hey, there was one when I started anyway).  Am I making real connections?  Am I showing up in authentic ways?  I have to believe that the answer to both is yes.  I can see how my internet friendships have changed and enriched my life, and so I am very grateful to each and everyone of you, my readers!  Would love to hear from you about your thoughts on this!  How do you make connections and find kindred spirits?

Crows and Life

Lovely crow in my birdbath

She had some tidbit that she wanted to soak.

I am enjoying the antics of a crow in my yard who keeps coming to my birdbath.  Yesterday she brought something, couldn't tell what, that I think she was eating.  She kept dipping it in the water and playing with it, then drinking water herself, and finally taking whatever it was and flying off.  It was great fun to watch and today she is back again playing in the birdbath even while my yard guys are working nearby.  She is absolutely gorgeous and my photos don't really do her justice, but I am trying to capture her and if I were outside sitting a ways away I would probably get better photos, but I lack the patience for that.  My telephoto lens did capture a lot!  Anyway, here are the photos I did get and I hope they give you an idea of just how magnificent this lovely bird is.  I know she will be the subject of several poems along the way.

Not sure where she got her tidbit, but she loves it!

She is now sitting on my fence behind the tree.

I also am including some photos of my latest artistic endeavors namely crocheting amigurumi critters and woodcarving (definitely just a beginner in both).  I am branching out but my main efforts lately have still been with my poetry.  I have found lots of kindred spirits on both Facebook and Twitter and I'm really enjoying trying my hand at various forms of poetry.  And my Tanka Diary (see link at the top of this page) is muddling along as well.  I like the idea of writing a daily journal which readers can make comments on, and I like the discipline of attempting a tanka every day, even if I find some of my efforts a bit lame at the end of a long day when I'm tired, but I still think I am learning and the discipline is worth the effort.  I'm also branching out a bit and posting my poetry on several poetry websites and I am continually amazed at how well it is received.

My first effort at woodcarving--a self-portrait

Anyway those are the current updates for now.  I have to admit I'm not sure where my days go, but they are going reasonably well.  And for those who aren't following the Tanka Diary, the school year is winding down and next year I will volunteer exclusively at Student Link, our alternative high school, where I will work three mornings/week tutoring and marking papers.  Sasha will have her last chemo treatment this coming Friday 6/3, and I will have sinus surgery on 6/15.  I think that's all the updates, and I hope all my readers are having a wonderful day!

My first amigurumi creatures--pattern says they are
hamsters, but they seem mor like slugs to me, but
I think they are very cute!

All three cats enjoying the sun--Laoise, Thackeray, and Sasha

Time Management, Connections, Ramblings

How do I spend my time these days?  Where do the hours go?  I am looking at finding the connections that all of us need through new resources, at least new for me.  I prefer to stay at home and that suits my introvert personality.  In addition, I never know from day to day just how I will be feeling, on both physical and emotional levels (and of course the two are tied together).  Today, for instance, I woke up feeling wretched with my usual sinus headache and digestive woes.  I've learned that if I just move slowly and take my time, I can generally sort through things and at least get them down to a dull roar, and sure enough, I am feeling much better now by mid-day, and the various aches and pains have subsided to a more reasonable level. 


This state of affairs makes it difficult for me to promise to be anywhere or do anything on a day in the future, especially morning activities.  But I can't become a complete recluse.  Living alone has its advantages (well, not alone as I have 5 wonderful fur companions), and I can order my days pretty much as I want or feel up to, but I want human connections as well.


To that end, I've found the internet a real boon.  I now have blogs--three of them as of yesterday with the addition of my new Tanka Diary site (link at the top of this page), where I can write various things from the ramblings I do on this page to poetry on my haiku page to now daily journal entries on my Tanka Diary page.  In addition, I have a Facebook page where I follow the activities of friends and post a haiku or more per day on the haiku Facebook page.  And finally, the biggest segment of this as well as the most time-consuming, I am on Twitter.


I joined Twitter so that I could see and reply to posts from my son, Eric, since he uses Twitter.  But then I soon found that I was following poets on Twitter and really enjoying it!  I have lots of new friends on Twitter and I spend a good portion of my days trying to keep up with all the posts.  I'm not sure I've found the most efficient ways to do this, but I have discovered lists and so I have those I follow categorized (ok, I am a librarian after all).  In addition, I've discovered that there are several poetry games available, so that for instance, when I'm done getting this post completed I'm going to try to come up with a poem using the words gamine and epicene!


And I get to chat with people and share with people all over the world.  I discovered last night that a couple people I follow were getting up and ready for their days as I was going to bed.  I know--this is perfectly reasonable given the size of the world, but I've never known people living in other parts of the world and now I do.  This was brought home most poignantly after the earthquakes and tsunami in first New Zealand and then Japan!  And I'm really enjoying the diverse perspectives as well.


Finally, I think, I am taking some on-line classes, the current one being Eastern Theraputic Writing at a wonderful site, Writing Our Way Home, and I'm getting to know people there.  It takes time to read all the posts and try to follow the various threads (yes, I'm on several sites which I find a bit confusing so there is a learning curve here as well), comment on them, write my own assignment, etc.


Oh, yes, there is another, as I'm going to try being more active on a poetry site called Poetry Here and Now, another of the ones I find a bit confusing to keep up with, but hey, I need to learn the more modern ways, and certainly without all my internet connections I would be missing out on a ton of connections which are becoming really important to me.


The beauty of all the above avenues for connections is that I can do them in my own timeframe and at my own speed.  I haven't yet caught up with my twitter stream, but that is next on the agenda (well after the poem using gamine and epicene).  Sometimes, if I have to be out and about with appointments etc. I can get behind, but that's ok also.  And there is always someone to chat with, which is wonderful.


But at the end of the day, what have I done?  Is it ok?  Am I just wasting time on the computer?  Well, as my therapist keeps asking, did I enjoy it?  Was I having fun?  And of course the answer is yes!  She continues by saying that nothing that is fun or enjoyable is a waste of time.  And I also am writing a ton more, especially poetry, and learning a lot about being a poet, so that is a very good thing also.


So I will continue with this exploration and if you wish to follow along with me in any of my various venues, feel free!  Would love to have you join the adventure!  Have a super day!

Change, the Nature of Life

Change: I've been thinking a lot about that subject and how it affects me.  At first I thought that because I am getting old I respond less well to change and there may be a bit of truth in that but then I realized that in truth I have never taken kindly to change, at least certain kinds of change.  That caused me to ponder the whole subject.  


This past week I've been exploring, as part of an online class I'm taking, the Japanese teachings called Morita.  As part of the experience we had to do a number of things including keeping a journal throughout the day to note our feelings and what we were doing.  That caused me to realize that most of the time I cannot even put a word to what emotions I'm feeling and that is no doubt the result of years spent denying the body and emotions as far as I possibly could.  Noting what I am doing was less difficult of course because I'm focused on doing rather than being.


But another exercise involved listing things that I am in control of and things I'm not.  That exercise was really an eye-opener for me and I realized that in fact as it relates to change, the changes I like are, not surprisingly, the changes I am in control of.  I am now writing poetry, specifically, haiku although I'm starting to branch into other forms such as various 5 line forms.  I am now crocheting and knitting amigurumi, little animals or creatures that are just plain cute.  I have gotten a set of whittling tools and some chunks of wood and I'm going to try my hand at that.  All of these are new artistic expressions for me and are designed to help me explore my artistic nature.  New avenues of learning or expression have always appealed to me.  I like learning or trying new things and that is why if I'd ever pursued a career, librarian was definitely the career for me on a variety of levels.


However, to return to the notion of change.  I am in need of new ideas, new forms of expression, etc. and always have been.  I like the challenge and I don't thrive well on repetitious tasks.  But those types of change are within my control.  I can chose what art forms to explore and while I might not become expert at any of them, I at least know where to go to get the needed information to learn about them.


Not all changes are like this.  Many of the changes each of us has to face are not of our choosing in the first place and not within our control in the second place.  I had no idea, and certainly no control over, events when my daughter, Pamela, decided to sever all connections with me without any warning (that I saw anyway).  That was fourteen years ago and the pain never leaves me.  But I'm having to deal with the fact that it probably never was about me, but rather about her need to individuate as an adult and at age 27, she certainly had not only that right, but responsibility and there was nothing that I could do except respect her decision.  I've done that now for a lot of years and I realize that one thing I have absolutely no control over is whether she will ever choose to have a relationship with me again.  I can hope for it and believe me that is one change I would welcome with open arms, but other than keeping my heart open to her, sending occasional letters and small gifts through a third party, and thinking of her with love and compassion, there is nothing I can do.  My therapist keeps telling me that what I am doing is huge and that it has the potential to heal our family backwards through generations, but that is more abstract and more spiritual than I can get me head or heart wrapped around.  Still, I do hold her words close to me, especially on bad days, and hope that the healing is occurring whether or not I live to see it.  And the same is true for different reasons with my son, Eric, where I do have a tentative relationship and semi-annual visits, but nothing like what I thought my family would be.  Change isn't always what I envisioned or wanted, but change is life.


And that is the bottom line.  Whether it is change I pick or change I am stuck with, life is about change.  I only have to look out my window to see that as the seasons change visibly each and every day.  Yesterday was a beautiful sunny day and today it is pouring rain.  A few weeks ago all the plants were dormant and now they are growing almost before my eyes.  Change happens.  My massage therapist will be gone from the island for a year as she pursues her dream to become a licensed midwife with a MA in midwifery.  I have four more massages with her before she leaves.  I am very excited for her and will be eager to hear of her experiences as she does her year's internship, especially the time she will be spending on a Navajo reservation.  I will be eager to hear how her daughter likes her new school and her husband his new job.  It is a very exciting opportunity for them all.  But it will make a tremendous change in my life as I've had a weekly massage and sharing chats with her for about three years now maybe even more.  Change happens.


And so it is time to think more about where I am and what I'm doing and to learn enough flexibility as well as major trust, both in myself and the cosmos, to realize that staying present in the moment, fully focusing on what I am doing, what I'm feeling, what is going on around me, being totally in tune with that, whether it is making a cup of tea, writing a blog post, scooping litter, or looking out my window at the crows hopping on my lawn, that staying fully present is the only way to go through life.  The changes will happen.  I need to go with the flow, not regret what happened in the past as that is over and done with and cannot be changed, not be anxious for the future, as again, that is out of my control and certainly out of my knowledge, but stay in the present.  It is a hard task, but the only task really worth doing and the only one that can keep me fully alive in this world.

Superstitions, Reality, Mood Swings, Random Thoughts

Friday the 13th has been an interesting day.  So far, my iTunes has lost its playlists and I couldn't find my music and had to call Apple support which was blessedly helpful and all my music is safe but I've had to reconfigure my playlists, but at least it is all here.  Then my dvd didn't play right away and I had to reset my stereo.  Is this the 13th jinx on Friday the 13th or is it just life.  I have watched my moods swing as these events unfolded and of course the computer woes triggered all sorts of family stuff also since in the past I would have been able to ask Eric about it but now that isn't a possibility.  But on the plus, once I showered and fed my very noisy pets I was able to contact Apple customer service which helped immensely and that also was terrifying to start out with since I remembered the days when various computer customer service calls resulted in someone talking in "computer geek" making me feel stupid and that wasn't helpful and on top of that, if the customer service rep had an accent, my poor hearing just compounded the issue.  Today however, I had a very pleasant experience working with a calm gentleman named Bernard who was reassuring, very specific in his requests, never making me feel stupid or dumb, ending with a successful outcome.  If I have any more difficulties within 30 days I will get all the support I need at no extra charge, so I am very pleased with Apple Service, very pleased that I had the courage to overcome my fears, to put my past on hold, to look, as my current online class in Eastern Philosophies is teaching me, at what is real.  I am a reasonably intelligent woman who is capable of looking after myself and taking care of my companions and I can find help when I need it and now all is going well and I am continuing to import more cd's into my iTunes library and so life is looking good again.


So was this bad luck because it is Friday the 13th?  Or was it just the fact that electronics will misbehave along the way?  And was it in the end good luck because I was able to handle it all, nothing was truly damaged, and I learned more about myself and my reactions and the reasons for them?  I guess it is all in how I look at the situation.  And I'd been saying that 13 is a lucky number for our family, but in fact it was a lucky number for my father, but is it for me?  And is there such a thing as a lucky number in the first place or does life just unfold and what happens happens?  Anyway, those are my thoughts on this, but it has been very interesting to watch my mood swings in the first place and also to see that I have at least learned not to knee-jerk react quite so quickly.  I was upset to find all my iTunes "missing," and I did try some sensible things like rebooting, etc., but when it got beyond my knowledge, I had enough sense to go take my shower, think things through, and contact someone who actually might know something.  So it ended up being a positive learning experience for me and that has to count for a lot.  Each time I can have that positive experience it builds new neural pathways for me to help me undo the heavily ingrained scripts in my head, so that I can stop the old tapes of "you're stupid," etc. and instead look at the reality of the situation.  


In the end, I'd have to say that so far at least, this has been a lucky day for me because I've learned more about myself and how to handle things when I encounter the inevitable bumps in the road.  This is very good, and when I get triggered again, hopefully I will recognize that I have been triggered, take time to re-think and re-evaluate the situation, avoid knee-jerk reactions, and try to see the reality of the moment instead of living with all the past.  The past is over and done with.  Most of what I was programmed with is false.  It is time to get rid of that and move into the present moment when I have a lovely bumblebee flying in and out of a gorgeous magenta flower right outside my window!  It is a beautiful day and I'm going to focus on enjoying that!

Which Comes First, or The Ankle Bone is Connected to the Shin Bone

Which comes first, the chicken or the egg, or the ankle bone is connected to the shin bone.  Yesterday I woke with a splitting headache and for once just decided to listen to my body and not force myself to do things just because that is what I normally do on a Saturday.  Laundry was ok, especially with my new red washer and dryer, but bathing Chauncey was definitely too challenging if I listened to my body so I didn't.  However, today, I woke up feeling some better (allergies always leave me with a headache, especially in the morning, but it was a lower level one), and it is a gorgeous sunny day, so I decided that Chauncey would get his bath after all!  He wasn't too thrilled but fortunately he is good and patient, and we managed it just fine.  And then, I decided to roll out my yoga mat and do some "real" yoga on the mat which I haven't done in maybe 5 months as it was nearly impossible to roll the mat out when we were confined to the bedroom.


It was lovely to do my yoga again in front of my picture window in my bedroom and I was very pleased to find out that my shower yoga and my body butter yoga had worked to keep me stretched out so I was able to do my favorite poses without undo difficulties.  I even did a head stand (using my head stand support), and it felt really nice.


So now I'm wondering my perennial question.  How much do I push myself to do things which I know are good for me (like the yoga) or necessary (like Chauncey's bath) no matter what, and how much do I say oops not today.  As I've mentioned before, I do have an artistic temperament which has melancholy as a major chunk of it and that melancholy can slide fairly easily into depression because of my early childhood programming, among other things.  I talked about this the other day with a couple of my students from Student Link who suffer similarly for similar reasons and I think I was able to help them put things into focus.


But when I mentioned the discussion to my therapist she pointed out that my students have one major advantage over me and in a nutshell that is their youth and health.  She encouraged me to show myself heaps of compassion because I do have a number of health issues, auto-immune thyroid disorder, untreatable allergies, chronic foot pain, spastic colon, low energies, etc, none of which are in any way life-threatening, but combined give me a fair amount to deal with and as I've discovered just this weekend, I never know from day to day how I will feel physically.  Add this to the innate melancholy and it is easy to see, as my therapist pointed out, why I have such fluctuating moods.


So now my question is which comes first or how these are all connected.  For most of my life I have simply pushed myself to meet whatever commitments I'd agreed to or tasks lay ahead of me no matter what I felt like.  I just toughed it out.  We had a saying, Purpuses don't quit, and I lived that to the hilt for most of my life.  Even if I couldn't be smart, creative, graceful, etc, and all the other things I was told I wasn't, I was one who never gave up, who, like the Energizer bunny, just kept right on going, trying my level best no matter what the odds.


However, I can now see what a toll that took on me at every level.  Tomorrow I will be seeing a new podiatrist to deal with my feet, which I managed to ruin beyond repair, and that is just one example.  So I do need to listen and not be so silly anymore.  After all, I am not 17 yrs old as my students are.  At the same time, I know that the ankle bone is connected to the shin bone and that if I don't push myself a bit to do things which I know from past experience do lift my mood, then I'm in danger of sinking further into depression.  


So when do I cancel going to Study Zone, for instance, because I'm not feeling well and hence not perky, and when do I give myself that extra kick in the pants and get going, knowing that once I get there, I generally do fine, even if I'm exhausted by the end.  It is a difficult road to follow.  I've had so many years of negative programming that I slide there way too easily.  It always requires effort to keep going, to do what I know is necessary or good for me or even enjoyable, and there just are days when the required effort seems to be way too much.  


And so I continue on my quest to see which comes first, the mood or the physical difficulties, and how they are connected ankle bone to shin bone so that if I do push myself will my mood lift and will I feel better overall, or will the pushing just make me feel worse as it did a few weeks ago when I had a major sinus/ear infection.  Life is always a balancing act and I just need to adjust to my own balance.


Meanwhile, it is a beautiful sunny day and Chauncey is squeaky clean and Sasha is eating and enjoying life and the other three are also doing well and I'm now ready to fill the hummingbird feeder outside my picture window so that the hummingbirds won't come by and be disappointed.  Hope all is well in your part of the world.  Happy May Day!